Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Careful how you type in that Abrasion Magazine web address...

Correct: http://abrasion.blogspot.com

Incorrect: http://abrasion.blogpsot.com

...lest ye fall in to the awaiting clutches of the thumpers and the pious! By implication, does this mean Abrasion is considered ungodly? Hot!

Abrasion Magazine, a weblog of irreverent current events commentary has shockingly called it quits. When interviewed, several contributing members were as shocked about the abruptness of the closure. Some key responses:

Miko Sosumi: Yeah. The blog was totally knifed by a now estranged writer. I use the term writer loosely since he-slash-she didn't really write a damn thing. Man, some people just get (mast) head given to them on a freakin platter. I work in the advertising agency business and I know how touchy feeling appearances can be. Dealing with these massive corporations, there is a large emphasis on reputations and rules of conduct and "leadership" values. I can see how those who value superficial impressions would see a concern on association. However, I would never consider superficiality a value. Nor would I consider a bit of light mirth a conflict of interest. To those who do, I say get a sense of humour and get a life. If somewant to blow off a little steam that is in absolutely no way related back to their day jobs, then more power to them.

Elouise Myrtle McGovern: I cannot believe how childish this all is. In my day, if you didn't like what people wrote, you burned the book. Nothing like a good old fashion book burning. We'd burn Watership Down, we'd burn Huckleberry Finn, we'd burn Consumer Distributing catalogues (my those prices were outrageous for that cheap ass quality). People prefered destroying without really understanding. Burn the witch, they'd cry, even there was no witch in sight. It was mob hysteria. But in this so called information superhighway age, so much information is digital. You'd have to burn up all your laptop computers. Toss the ole iBook on the pyre and burn the literary infidels they'd cry! Well laptops are not a dime a dozen, and unlike books, all that plastic and circuitry would smoke up something toxic. So if you don't like what's written, then don't surf the website, you dumb-asses, and leave us the hell alone.

earnest jones: Total treachery. Abject betrayal. Several of the key incognito writers of Abrasion got outed to their places of employment. And you know what a knife a blog is into the heart of corporate productivity. I've still go the shakes. But to tell you the truth, I get the shakes after one cup of coffee. I'm such a caffeine pussy. Anyway, I hate all this political bullshit. In an ideal world, people should be able to do what the hell they like. It's meant to be a humour site for bloody sakes. With a name like Abrasion Magazine, that should be rather self evident. What people do in their personal time is their own damn business. The irony is, while we bitch about privacy, yet we blog gossip. Ouch!

Jesus Chichuahua: I was too busy at Toronto Fashion Week to notice. Did you hear? Phillip Bloch was freaking about price tags on the shoes and dirt on the runways. Delicious! Oh, and I don't think Abrasion should shut down. Fuck them. We do what we want. Nobody can stop us.

Crisis Girl: Even if I was fucking dogs up the ass on the weekend, what does the employer care? None of their business. I work very hard to not have any reputation that can be broken by a simple collision of worlds. If anyone is ashamed or scared of what their work colleagues might think about what they write for Abrasion, then they probably shouldn't write it in the first place or they should switch jobs or at least tell their coworkers to mind their own business, and in the VERY least, keep the chitchat to breaks.

Kasm Von Dorstenborg: Simply put, my employer would only be offended by me not blogging on our corporate site. I am personally unaffected, and I can continue to contribute.

What does it all mean? We don't know yet... limp, limp, limp...
Friday, March 26, 2004

A former back-stabbing contributor has sold Abrasion out. I guess you can't trust anyone, even your so called friends. Thanks to our current, trustworthy roster of contributors Miko, James, Gigi, Kasm, Jesus, Trini, Elouise, Eli, Crisis, but especially earnest, who has tackled manning the ship during my frequent absenses. We had a good run. Anonymity is no more. We're shutting down. That is all.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Tacky Silver BomberSupport Toronto Fashion Week by bidding on this luxurious silver bomber style jacket on eBay! Current Price: $1! Go on! Look like you just step out of the glittery halls of the asylum! Or the corner of Jarvis and Carlton! Please note, however, the pockets are not real. NOT REAL. And it's never been worn. NOT WORN. From the description:
This is a brand new, never worn, women's jacket. It is silver and made from 92% Polyester and 8% elastan. It is made in France. The brand is "AR. one". Comfortable and stylish! The size is: T1. There are pocket-flaps on each chest side (but they are not real pockets). Zipper front.
[via eBay]


A raging Richard Simmons bitchslaps a snarky 6'1, 255 pound, 23 year old after being verbally taunted with: "Look, Richard Simmons. Drop your bags, let's rock to the 50's." A precocious fitness guru got ferocious and retorted with "It's not nice to make fun of people with issues" before slapping the oaf in the face. [via The Smoking Gun]

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Sarah's FacialWe feel both proud and demeaned. Canadian singers and actresses seem to disproportionately have the corner on computer modified cumshot fantasy facials. Ewww! The score: 10 out of 36 are Canadian, including Anna Paquin, Sarah Polley, :Alanis Morrisette, Neve Campbell, Elisha Cuthbert, Kristin Kreuk, Natasha Henstridge, Shania Twain, and Avril Lavigne. That's it. We're done posting for the day. Sickos. [via Fleshbot]

Monday, March 22, 2004

Paris Hilton, while on the set of The Simple Life 2, was bucked off a horse and then kicked in the gut. Fortunately, Paris was largely unharmed. However, the horse is threatening to sell the video tape of the incident on the internet. [via IHT]


An Israeli airstrike killed wheelchair bound Hamas spiritual leader Ahmed Yassin. Martyrs are made, enemies renewed. "My great fear is that this will be understood as an attack against a religious leader." [via The Globe and Mail]

Sunday, March 21, 2004

Radio Blackout by T. RaumschmiereElectro receives a punk kick in the head thanks to the raw, jagged sound of T. Raumschmiere's Radio Blackout. Elisting sly electro succubus, Miss Kitten, on the smack my glitch up throb of The Game Is Not Over provides a human voice to the mostly instrumental album. This record will fit nicely into both punk and electronica record collections. [via Mute]

Friday, March 19, 2004

The Trump, in a take over bid to rule to english language, has applied for the trademark on "You're Fired!", the catchphrase from his ruthless reality tv show, The Apprentice. Seeking to exploit the shit out of the fiesty phrase, we can look forward to seeing it emblazened across clothing, "games and playthings" and "casino sevices". No trademark coverage has been applied for in the area of combovers, merkins or swirly toupees. [via The Smoking Gun]

Thursday, March 18, 2004

iPod mauls St. George SubwayCrafty Apple advertisers are honing in on University of Toronto students with the seductive iPod. Essentially plastering the St. George subway station with wall to wall iPod posters, logo's and signature silhouette dancers, no student would be in their right mind to not be rationing the food funds to save up for one of these lusty MP3 players. [via MacMinute]

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

SXSW Interactive keynote speaker Jonathan Abrams transcribed from his speech on social networking. Abrasion notes some key myths dispelled:

MYTH #1: "The story of Friendster is that my girlfriend dumped me and I created the Web site to get laid."
TRUTH: "The true story of Friendster is that my girlfriend dumped me and I created a re-animated patchwork woman made from decomposing body parts to get laid."

MYTH #2: "There weren't a lot of hot babes with Commodore 64's in Toronto in the '80s."
TRUTH: The hot babes with Commodore 64's were all in Philidelphia in the 80's.

MYTH #3: "Friendster goes beyond this viral marketing that people talk about. It's something I call viral nagging."
TRUTH: "Friendster goes beyond this hipster douchebag collection of false aquaintances that people talk about. It's something I call fucking annoying."

MYTH #4: "When people first sign up, there's usually a little frenzy, but that can't continue forever."
TRUTH: "When people first sign up, there's usually a little stalking, but that can't continue because of the terms of my parole."

MYTH #5:"Friendster a year ago was me in my apartment. "
TRUTH: "Friendster a year ago was me in my apartment and my collection of inflatable life-like sex dolls."

MYTH #6: "It's the Web of trust concept, but it's also the Web of influence. "
TRUTH: "It's the Web of trust concept, but it's also a death spiral of perpetual distraction, undermined productivity, countless service outages, mindless profile sifting and desperate testimonial panhandling." [original transcript via Fast Company Now]


Claudia SchifferThe French-Canadian man accused of stalking supermodel Claudia Schiffer at her mansion in rural England has been deported from Britain. Even though Claudia Schiffer is very, very hot, Abrasion does not condone nor excuse any act of stalking. However, Abrasion notes for the record that as a Canadian, accusee Louis Alexandre Brisette, 21, undoubtedly stalked Ms. Schiffer politely and industriously. [via Canada.com]


Michael Jackson is the New BachelorABC executives have obviously been plied with Jesus Juice, Jesus Blood and Demerol for this disturbing choice in casting. Get ready for the next exciting season of the Bachelor starring Michael Jackson and 25 sexy, eligible and most importantly, under-aged prep school boys. Watch as Michael courts the boys over pizza and sleeping pills, hosts giggle fest slumber parties for two with only one sleeping bag, and lures the boys onto that Never Never Land ranch ferris wheel that stalls for 15 minutes at the top. And for fans of the show, there are Jesus Juice memorabilia available from the chuch of the Landover Baptist including a Jesus Juice logo'ed cotton thong "designed to fit juniors." Sadly, no Jesus Juice soda pop cans available for covert seductions of cancer stricken underaged children. [image via Enrico Robot]


50 CentAbrasion coins the term Homophobolesbophilia, inspired by popular hip-hop street poet, 50 Cent, who claims to be a friend to lesbians, but is totally freaked out by gay men. "I ain't into faggots. I don't like gay people around me, because I'm not comfortable with what their thoughts are," the seemingly insecure rapper tells Playboy. "I'm not prejudiced... I'd rather hang out with some straight dude. But women who like women, that's cool." So remember kids. It's not prejudice. It's homophobolesbophilia. [via Calgary Sun"]


Nicole RichieParis Hilton gal pal and The Simple Life co-star, Nicole Richie follows suit and pops a nipple of her own, this time deliberate in a magzine spread. Abrasion is bored. Nipple taboo, like predecesors bare midriffs and low slung minge pants, is officially over. What will young vixen socialites do now to shock and bewilder? Get a job? [via GossipList]

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Paris Hilton Pops A Nipple with Nick CarterParis Hilton, hotel heiress, socialite celebutante, two-time amateur porn auteur, Bush beating reality tv show starlette, burgeoning karaoke and soon-to-be-released pop singer, worst dressed list topper: doomed to forever repeat the nipple baring mistakes of the past. Consider this a step down from the whole online porn fiasco with Rick Solomon. Say... wait a minute! Wasn't she caught making out with him recently! Retract! Retract! [via The Sun UK]


Belinda StronachI've just received a drunken, slurred phone call from Abrasion contributing editor and boy-about-town earnest jones. He's partying it up St. Patrick's Day style at 606 King and chanced upon an encounter with Conservative party leadership candidate Belinda Stronach. Obviously in no state to formulate a complete sentence, earnest choked and forgot to properly badger the former Magna International CEO. So in this section we provide the collective Abrasion group think: "What I would have asked Belinda Stronach if I wasn't so goddamn shitfaced drunk."

"Belinda, your campaign has lost a lot of momentum due to the fact you basically entered the political arena from left field. Given that your political credibility is in question, do you think other party members would accept you if you wore lower cropped tops?"

"Belinda, Bill Clinton: boxers, briefs or commando?"

"Belinda, level with me... do blondes really have more fun?"

"Belinda, you basically gave up a seven digit executive salary to get in to politics where, if you gain party leadership, would forfeit any compensation. If you're not interested in the money, please justify why that is reassuring to the public when, by deduction, you're only in it for the power?"

"...wait a fucking minute! You're not Belinda Carlisle...!"


Just when you though grazing on a wilted stack of line assemble fast food salad was your healthy, low fat alternative, you find yourself deceived. Startling facts from the McDonalds menu:

"A Caesar salad with Chicken Premiere" contains 18.4 grams of fat compared with 11.5 grams of fat in a standard cheeseburger."

Abrasion is aghast but takes comfort in knowing we still have the assurances of weight reducing Light Beer and healthy Mild Cigarettes. [via Reuters.com]


10th Planet
Astronomers are giddy over the discovery of what appears to be the Solar System's 10th planet. Tentatively dubbed 'Sedna' after the Inuit goddess of the ocean, the heavenly body, identified from California's Mount Palomar Observatory, is the most distant object yet found orbiting our Sun at three times further away than Pluto. If its planetary status is confirmed, it may be that astronomy's governing body, the International Astronomical Union, will want to reconsider this, to make it more consistent with the mythological names of other planets. Leaping at the chance to contribute, Abrasion submits the following, lesser know deities of the pantheon:
Pornoboros: Minor Greek God of engorgement
Nigella: Minor British Domestic Goddess
Dysenteria: Minor Greek Goddess of unboiled drinking water
Fornicopia: Minor Roman Goddess of the booty call, signed to Bad Boy Entertainment, album hits July!
L. Ron Hubbard: Minor American God of celebrity tithing and abominable science fiction writing
Madonna Ciconne: False Idol Goddess of mawkish unoriginality and stump-like claws
JackoGeistWildensteinLePore: Minor Roman Gender Bending Entity of botched cosmetic surgery and silicon gunned lips
Nike: Minor Greek Goddess of victory, premium sporting apparel and proud platnium sponsor of the Mount Palomar Observatory [via BBC NEWS]

Monday, March 15, 2004

Ben BrownWriter Jonathan AbramsBen Brown is slated to sit on a discussion panel tomorrow with Friendster founder Jonathan Abrams. Given the opportunity, Ben would like to slip in "some pointed / leading / crude questions." Upon receiving Ben's missive, the Abrasion HQ clattered with the sound of dropped knitting needles. Here at Abrasion, we pride ourselves on our pointedness, leadingness, and excellence in crudeness. This was a clarion call. The following are our submitted questions, for which answers we anxiously await (bring 'em back alive, Ben):

"Questions for Jonathan Abrams, founder of Friendster:

"Is Friendster a conjunction of the two seperate and distinct concepts of:
A. Friend and Napster?
B. Friend and Monster?
C. Friend and Shyster?
D. Friend and Oyster?"

"Jon, please comment on your maniac rage against Fakesters and your draconian efforts at Fakester ethnic cleansing."

"Jon, the press has been rather ruthless in portraying your efforts at developing a reality TV show based on the Friendster web community. Some words bandied about include "difficult", "close minded to any ideas but his own", "pig headed", "pig faced", "pig stinky", and various other pig related slurs ad nauseum. Can you provide us with specific examples of your behaviour that support this perception of you?"

"When was the last time you got laid on Friendster and why does never not surprise me?"


Canadian and US relations are seemingly a lttle one sided these days. In a recent Leger Marketing poll, nations we asked which contry they considered "best friend." While 50% of Canadians consider the USA to be best mate, only 20% of Americans reciprocated. Who is America's strange mistress in the night? None other than that saucey interloping office hussy Britain, stealing America's affections at 61%. McGill University North American Relations pundit, Harold Waller offers some insight: " The average American hears about Britain all the time. He hears about [British Prime Minister] Tony Blair, he's aware of the fact they fought the war together in Iraq, that they've been allies for years and years. Americans know almost nothing about Canada and Canadians. They simply assume that things are pretty much the same here. They don't see any Canadian TV. They don't see any programs about Canada. Canada only makes the news in the U.S. when something big happens like an election or disaster. Canadians on the other hand, because they know about the U.S., they're more sensitive to the differences between the two countries." While in America, "If you did a Family Feud-style poll and you said 'Other than the United States, name countries,' the average American could probably get to 12. Britain's definitely one of them. But if you ask them England against Scotland, you start puzzling them." And considering Canada's recent abstinence from the war in Iraq, we here at Abrasion as just glad to hear they've not renamed our popular breakfast item to "Freedom Bacon." [via The Globe and Mail]

Sunday, March 14, 2004

Donald TrumpDonald Trump is trying his hand at everything these days: tycoon, media mogul, reality TV star, and now, disco diva. Sampling some of the choices slices of floppy haired dictatorial dictum from his hit NBC show "The Apprentice" ("Stay focused, be paranoid and don't blow it... It's not personal, it's just business... You're fired!") the DJ Reach dance track will be hitting New York clubs as soon as you can say ka-ching! [via Page Six]


George Dubya BushGeorge Dubya Bush during his speech from the White House to honour women reformers during International Women's Week: "Earlier today, the Libyan government released Fathi Jahmi. She's a local government official who was imprisoned in 2002 for advocating free speech and democracy." Fathi Jahmi is a man. [via Yahoo!]


Franz Ferdinand by Franz FerdinandThe disco punk debut from the Scottish four piece named after an assassinated Austrian archduke provides get up tunes to boogie down to. Sly lyrics, camp posturing and enough guitar chomps to retract any threat of a British mod emigration stateside via New York scenesters Interpol, Franz Ferdinand purvey a pop accessibility and a rhythmic sensibilty that continues to be absent from current rock music- a beat to dance to. Already topping UK charts, singer Alex Kapranos said of topping the pops and signing their major North American distribution deal: "I don't think by getting into the charts we've sold out. By playing music to lots of people? I don't think so at all. I think popular music should come from the leftfield, it should come from the outside. The best music comes from the edges and takes over." With groove friendly rock acts like Hot Hot Heat, the Rapture and Radio 4 still marginal from the mainstream, Franz Ferdinand stand a good chance of breaking the disco punk genre sound and assassinating the mindless thrash and gurn of the current rock set. Standout tracks: Take Me Out, The Dark Of The Matinee, Darts Of Pleasure. [via Domino Records]


Jack White AuburnJack White is the new tantrum throwing Naomi Campbell, pleading guilty to assault charges and being sentenced to attend Anger Management classes and pay a $500 fine. Considering the pulplike puss of assaultee, Von Bondies frontman Jason Stollsteimer, Abrasion thinks Jack got off easy. And considering the fetching auburn dyed hair Jack sported into the courtroom, you might say he got off *chortle* Nice 'N Easy. [via VH1]


Mike BullardWith the slide in ratings, CTV has pulled the plug on Canada's favourite unwatched late night show. "Unfortunately, and in spite of a major promotion effort by Global, the program has not demonstrated the degree of success that merits a continued run," Doug Hoover, senior programming vice-president at Global, said in a statement Friday. "I sort of wonder," muses Michael Nolan, a media expert at the University of Western Ontario, "if you compare him to American talk shows, if he has too much edge for a consistent night talk show. I think he's got too much bite sometimes." Now, Abrasion would never go as far as to say Mike Bullard's got bite, but he's sure got boring down pat. [via Canada.com]


International dilettante and Abrasion contributor, Eli Virgo preens and pimps from the sunny beaches of exotic Thailand. Ladies agree, Eli is one sexy mofo with, in his own words "a Jewfro" that can't be beat. That's quite a grip you've got on that snorkel hose, Mr. Virgo...

Eli Virgo: Beach Pimp


Abrasion is in the midst of a redesign. Any thoughts on this new proposed header?


Friday, March 12, 2004

Abrasion shudders to think favourite British style and culture magazine The Face is under threat:

"THE FACE is under threat of closure. Profits have been down, and our
parent company Emap is currently reviewing the future of the

THE FACE has always stood for discovering and promoting the best in
creative talent within British and international pop culture. You
can help ensure it can continue to do so.

We would like you to write a letter of support, addressed to the
editor, Neil Stevenson (email it to: save(at)theface.co.uk). We will
pass your letter on to the Emap executives.

A two-line letter is enough, but if you're feeling creative, please
email a small digital photo of yourself holding a copy of the
magazine. If you would rather we didn't republish your letter,
please say so.

We need our letters by the end of Tuesday 16th.

Thank you,
THE FACE team"

Get those emails blazing and SAVE THE FACE!

Everything Cynical, Satirical, Critical, Hysterical

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