ABRASION MAGAZINE
Sunday, October 26, 2003
  IT'S OFFICIAL: I'M ON JURY DUTY!

Abrasion editor Andrew Gatsby (me) is officially on jury duty. Because of my junior programing skills, or lack thereof, I've failed to empower any of the contributors with editor status. Thus We shall have to do without Abrasion bite for a couple of days. In the interim, earnest jones will tinker as best he can to enact himself as possible editor. So check in and see if he is successful. He's got a strange wit, that one...
 
Thursday, October 23, 2003
  QUOTE OF THE DAY

From Popbitch: "I voted Republican this time. The Democrats left
a bad taste in my mouth." - Monica Lewinsky

 
  BEEN THERE DONE THAT

Shocking! Racy! Twenty seven minutes ago! Stills from the new Britters music video with co-slut Madonna show how the tired road visited once (MTV with Madonna), twice (SNL with Halle Berry), three times a hussy gets tired oh so very quickly. Since hanging with adult film stars in LA, you'd think Britney would have learned that people enticed by this type of old hag on young girl thing gets fingers itchy for the fast forward button straight to the dirty money shots. Don't tease, just please. See mommy make out with teenager for yourself.
 
  KISS AND TELL

Shameless Quarterpounder with Cheese hustler Justin Timberlake is now shopping a tell-all book about his relationship with Madonna mauled, wax worked Britney Spears. London's Evening Standard reports bids escalating to seven digits.

 
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
  WAX JOB BRITNEY


Contributor and incognito porn icon Allegra Di Marco submits the latest in Britney skankification now forever immortalised in Madame Tussaud waxiness. Awaiting Madonna to hump it when spilling for publicity on the launch of her next children's book.

 
  SHOCKER: SINGER ELLIOTT SMITH DIES


NME reports critically acclaimed and beloved singer/songwriter Elliott Smith has died at the age of 34. Smith was working on a new record entitled "From A Basement On The Hill". Cause has been confirmed as suicide.

 
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
  THE MYTHICAL METROSEXUAL: DEFUNKED?


George Simpson at Medialife blasts the Metrosexual phenom: "A metrosexual is nothing more than a guy who finally figured out he'd get laid a lot more with a haircut, clean fingernails, his shirttail tucked in, and thus empowered, able to entrap dates in his apartment by cooking them meals. At the end of the day," asserts Simpson, "it is asking too much of men to give up tits, beer, sports, cars and fart-lighting."

 
Monday, October 20, 2003
  ALBUM COVER CHALLENGE

Meish.org invites you to guess the modified album covers. Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough...

 
Sunday, October 19, 2003
  MONTREAL PUNK RIOT: THE BODYCOUNT


The Globe and Mail, CBC, Yahoo and BBC provide recaps of the "devastation in a few short hours" after an angry mob of concert goers learned the scheduled punk-rock show was cancelled.
- 42 cars vandalised and/or overturned, of which 8 cars torched into blazing fireballs
- 7 arrested, including 1 woman for armed assault, 5 adults and 1 minor for mischief.
- 100 police officers dispatched to wrestle with the several hundred strong mob.
- 3 police officers and 2 security guards injured in the melee
- 11 band members (from cancelled acts The Exploited and Total Chaos) found guilty for serious criminal offenses.
- an additional 4 band members caught giving Immigration officials false information.
- 11 shops directly damaged remains unclear, with dollar damage estimates pending.
- Countless heads shaking across the country. Kids, this is why they banned dancing in "Footloose".

 
  MONTREAL ELECTRONIC GROOVE 2003


Running October 21 to 26, the Montreal Electronic Groove Festival features such highlights as DJ Cheb I Sabbah, Mr. Scruff, Tiga, Trevor Jackson of Playgroup and new works debuted from NYC art/electro hustlers Fischerspooner.

 
  ABRASION DOES A BODY GOOD


From Heavyblog, The Sect of Homokaasu - The Gematriculator will determine the evil content of a selected website. Despite our bravado as an outre, snarky abrasive media vehicle, Abrasion Magazine scored an imetuptus 60% good - 40% evil. I guess we are doing something to better the world after all. Interestingly enough, The CBC scored 68% evil / 32% good. Tax payer money for evil- we'd be shocked if it wasn't so obvious already...

 
Saturday, October 18, 2003
  CANZINE 2003


Check out Canzine 2003, Canada's largest zine fair tomorrow, October 19 at the Gladstone Hotel, 1214 Queen Street West, Toronto. Admission is free and scads of DIY publishers, cartoonists, writers and underground film makers will no doubt be in full force. Runs 1pm to 7pm.

 
Friday, October 17, 2003
  2003 ROCK PAPER SCISSORS INTERNATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS


There is 100% for real. From the billing: "RPS has captivated the hands and minds of decision makers all over the globe for centuries. Do you have what it takes to play RPS at a World-Class level? Now is your chance to show the World just how good you really are and share in the largest purse in Rock Paper Scissors history $7,500 CDN."
2003 INTERNATIONAL WORLD RPS CHAMPIONSHIPS
Date: October 25th, 2003
Location: Kool Haus 132 Queens Quay East (Queens Quay & Jarvis), Toronto, Canada
Time: Doors open at 7:30 pm competition starts at 8:00 pm
Tickets:
- Competition slot $16 in advance $20 at door (limited slots available)
- Spectator Ticket $11 in advance $15 at the door

 
Thursday, October 16, 2003
  DONATELLA = LEATHERY PEROXIDE CHER


Irrefutable photographic evidence. Chilling.

 
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
  ASSORTED FURBALLS


Betty Chu's award winning English Angora rabbits. Perhaps the inspiration for electro trash artist Peaches and her lovely lyric "My labia majora... soft as angora."

 
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
  FASHION OFFENCES TICKETED


New York is on the right track with this one. Abrasion is getting tres tres fatigue with the enslaught of 'it' jeans of the moment every elapsed 7 seconds, particular the type of jeans slung so low, they often come enpacked to a Bic disposable razor and make control top pantyhose a thing of the past. And as aweful as it sounds, some people should be wearing control top pantyhose. We'll look out. Crafty Meg Hourihan has designed a ticket to combat this heinous act against nature. Abrasion will be doling out these fashion violation tickets in every major city we occupy. We're watching you. And we want justice. You too can join. Arm yourself here for a citizen's arrest. If only Meg had been able to stop acid wash...

 
  WEB CRAWLING: FUCKHOTMAIL


Profanity finds a way into our daily lives. Register for your very own fuckhotmail.com webmail account and tell the world off, e-constantly. From the billing: "Fed up with your existing e-mail address ? Why not excercise your right to free speech (whether you have a right to free speech or not) by getting a new free e-mail address with the word 'fuck' in it ?"

 
Monday, October 13, 2003
  I AM THE TRUSTAFARIAN MOLE


Jamie Johnson, the 23 year old heir to the Johnson & Johnson fortune and East Village trustafarian, is finding it difficult to fit into the graces of aristo-society having twisted the knife of betrayal into back of the ungodly wealthy. Born Rich, the documentary film he shot regarding the excesses and vapidness of the priviledged set is the smoking gun. "There's a code of silence about wealth that you're not supposed to break," Mr. Johnson said, explaining why he chose this focus for his film. "It's what holds these families together. But I think the secrecy also makes them dysfunctional." NYTimes covers more from the poor little rich kid.

 
Sunday, October 12, 2003
  VICIOUS FASHION


Hipsters seem to lolly up in droves to ape the latest in anti-fashion fashion advancement all the while claiming to not follow fashion. Vice Magazine is that irony.

 
Saturday, October 11, 2003
  METROSEXUALS: OPEN WALLETS HERE


Blacktable reports on "The Metrosexual Guide to Style", by Michael Flocker: "Three months and a thousand trend pieces later, no one can seemingly agree on what a metrosexual is, not that anyone cares as long as they can cash in with, at last count, one TV show (Queer Eye, of course), three men's shopping magazines in the works (Cargo, Vitals, and a Time Inc. skunkworks project) and now this book. The Guide is everything that the Preppie Handbook -- the consummate blend of high-IQ mockery and social climber pornography -- is not. Published at the beginning of the '80s, the Preppie Handbook was ostensibly an outsider's guide to the most insider world yuppies could then imagine. But the joke was that all the in-jokes depended on the reader's having been born into that world or craved its acceptance with fetishistic zeal. All signs point to metrosexuality being the fever dream of marketing consultants looking for one last ultimate score -- the huge sums of money to be made if men can be convinced to buy into the beauty myth."

 
  THE DOLLAR TAKES IT IN THE SHITTER


Contributor, shoe fetischist and general media grrl Miko Sosumi writes in her two cents: "A Russian ad depicting the Euro fornicating with the Dollar has been banned. Although it is unclear which gender the two currencies are playing, what is clear is that the Euro is visibly making the dollar its bitch."

 
Friday, October 10, 2003
  ABRASION OBSESSION: PARIS HILTON part 11


Circuit celebutante Paris Hilton has befriended party girl Tara Reid. Overexposure just got a new best friend. Abrasion notes, there's either a hell of a lot of mystic tanning going on, or these two are going to need to buy a hell of a lot of shoe polish for their faces in a couple years...

 
  WEB CRAWLING: MAKE YOUR OWN TABLOID


Contributor and media savvy sassalee Miko Sosumi writes: "Here's a little viral that get's you designing tabloids for fun and covert brand imprinting. Called Dirt Magazine, and brought to you by the corporate kids at Tetly, have fun matching sizzling headlines with candid photos." Gossip rag here.

 
Thursday, October 09, 2003
  MARIJUANA: NOT FOR FUN


Abrasion is saddened to report that an Ontario court ruled Tuesday that possession of marijuana for social or recreational use is illegal, ending months of legal limbo for the country's drug-possession laws. This depressing new has us turning to the bottle.

 
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
  ARNOLD IS GOVERNATOR


What exactly does this mean? What does this say about American populatics? Will Arnold crush the film production exports to Hollywood north? So many questions...

 
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
  INSANE TOKYO DOLL EXHIBIT


Very cool stuff. Runs October 6 to 26 at the Design Exchange, Toronto. And it's free!

 
  FRIENDSTER FALLOUT: FRIENDSTER'S FIRST LOVE SONG


Yes, it has penetrated our lives likes a industrial performance power drill to the forehead. And now, Friendster has a friend in music. Behold the first Friendster lovesong by master balladeer Sherman Oaks. Pass the Black & Decker...

 
  RENEE'S FAT BONUS CHEQUE


Abrasion broke the story ages ago about Renee Zellweger's return for the sequal to Bridget Jones and her "pay by the pound" contractual agreement. Now it's time we check in with the hungry heifer and, boy, is she looking like a million bucks! A weight gain bonus cheque of $3.2 million bucks that is...

 
  HOW TO CHEAT PUBLIC TRANSIT


Contributor and stress magnet Crisis Girl provides a enjoyable guide to cheating public transit. Cheating eternal damnation not provided.

 
  COUGARS: OFFICIALLY ACCEPTED


New York Post proclaims, thanks to the canoodling of high wattage celebrity pair Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore, cougardom to be officially in season. However, not all cougars will have benefitted from the rumoured $380K worth of cosmetic enhancements that Demi apparently received for appearing in Charlies Angels: Full Throttle. In a feat of pure negotiation genius, Demi apparently demanded the cosmetic surgery clause in her contract as 'she wouldnt be caught dead in a bikini next to Cameron Diaz without it'. See? Going under the knife is good for the self esteem. Oops- spoke too soon...

 
Monday, October 06, 2003
  CRONENBERG HONOURED


The Directors Guild honoured David Cronenberg at the second Directors Guild of Canada awards last Saturday. Cronenberg won for his feature film, Spider, which Abrasion woefully missed in theatres, but is hotly anticipating to rent. Other notable recipients included Jerry Cicoritti, for the mini-series Trudeau, and Bruce McDonald, for his episode of Degrassi: The Next Generation. Our claim to fame? Abrasion contributors Crisis Girl and earnest jones sat next to David at the Toronto Film Festival showing of New York based art darling and Bjork impregmator Matthew Barney's Cremaster 3. Not that we're name dropping or anything...

 
  ABRASION OBSESSION: THE BECKHAMS part 7


SoloSpiceNews sneaks us a peak of the forthcoming Victoria "Rapstar" Beckham's latest audio effluent. Listen here. Abrasion's thoughts? Bin It Like Beckham.

 
  MUCH MUSIC VJ SEARCH


All you bitches with stars in your eyes, get ready. The monolithic Canadian anti-establishment establishment is now seeking to underpay overeager post-teens to host those increasingly irritating 45 year-old divorcee programed shows on the nation's music station. Abrasion staffers reasons for not applying:
Andrew Gatsby: too elusive.
Jesus Chichuahua: too frou.
Crisis Girl: too stressed.
James Shameless: too gay.
Trini Tran: too busy watching "the bachelor".
earnest jones: too nomadic.
Elouise Myrtle McGovern: too old.
Allegra Di Marco: too raunchy.
Miko Sosumi: too cool for school.
Are you a fit? Apply here. It's coming to a neighbourhood near you.

 
  FRIENDSTER FALLOUT: FRIENDSTER REALITY TV?


Sickcandy reports that Jonathan Abrams, Canadian ex-pat and Friendster founder, has been making the rounds in L.A. pitching the Friendster website as a concept for a new reality TV show. Abrasion imagines, hours and hours on end shifting through meaningless profiles and many late night drunken pick-up lines emailed/slurred embarrassingly around after returning from the pub. A quote from the source: "[Jonathan Abrams] was a "prick" and a "socially-inept idiot." [Sickcandy's] spy also says that he was "hostile to any concepts or ideas that were not entirely his own" and that the producers would "never under any circumstances work with him." Online, friend facilitator. Offline, enemyster.

 
  MCSWEENEY'S EXPLAINS CANADIAN HUMOUR EXPORT


Claire Zulkey interviews recently enstalled editor of McSweeney's Internet Tendency, John Warner. An exerpt from the hysterical interview sheds light on the robustness of the Canadian comedy content:
CZ: You recently left Chicago. Is there a particular reason you think that so much comedy comes out of this city?
JW: As we all know from reading, say, The New York Times, Midwesterners are spectacularly unattractive, and live simple, unadorned lives of interest to no one, not even themselves. To get any attention at all, we must be funny, and even then, we trail behind Canada in terms of quality comedy per capita. My theory is that the exchange rate causes Canadians to work harder, since a single Canadian joke is only worth 6/10ths of a joke here in the states.
Read the full interview here.

 
  RESFEST 2003 HITS TORONTO


The only Canadian tour date for the Resfest digital media event hits the Royal Cinema October 24th to 26th. Highlights to include the retrospectives of the brilliant works of Michel Gondry and Spike Jonze. Too bad the LCD Soundsystem will not be making the trip to Toronto (they placed the NYC Resfest) as Abrasion really likes them. However, the Wabi collective entertains the T.O. digitalistas at the Sutra afterparty and Hawaii and Polmo Polpo rock the closer at the legendary El Mocambo.

 
  FREE TOMMY CHONG!


Weed fiend, and notable Edmontonian Tommy Chong has been arrested for an illegal direct marketing Bong business. The leafy legend if facing a $20K fine and nine month prison sentence for conspiring to sell drug paraphernalia from the state of California where he now lives. Join the online petition to free Tommy Chong. Or buy a Chong bong. Whatever.

 
  FRIENDSTER FALLOUT: TRIBE.NET


Combining the friend recommendation network of Friendster and the classified ad swallowing Craiglist, Tribe.net is the "safer" way of buying, recruiting and dating online. Or so they say. Hoping to eliminate the need for fakesters and lurchers, Tribesters are encouraged to build topics surrounding their favourite topics, everything from icelandic pop elf, Bjork, to the latest news on Mac's OSX. Ralph Terkowitz, VP of technology of Tribe.Net spawner Washington Post takes the opportunity to slag the competition: "The problem with craigslist is it doesn't have the kind of reputation and feedback and vertical niching we have at this point." Craiglist founder Craig Newmark responds: "I like the idea but people aren't using (Tribe.net)," he said. "Just look at the numbers." Newmark compared Tribe.net's 18,000 members to the 1.3 million postings a month on the craigslist network, which stretches across 24 cities." In the world on online networking, numbers do the trumping. Friendster founder, and noted laid back friendly guy, Jonathan Abrams was not apparently contacted as he was likely too busy kicking fakesters off Friendster.

 
Sunday, October 05, 2003
  MADONNA SUED FOR *SHOCK!* RIPPING PEOPLE OFF


Just when you think Madonna has done something vaguely original, after a landslide of utterly contrived crap, you find out she has yet again exploited the genius of others. The Smoking Gun reports, complete with supporting visuals: "Madonna's new "Hollywood" video is a blatant visual rip-off of the work of a late French fashion photographer, according to a federal copyright lawsuit just filed against the pop superstar. The son of photographer Guy Bourdin alleges that Madonna's video is filled almost entirely with reenactments of his father's distinctively racy images (Bourdin died in 1991 at age 62). "It's one thing to draw inspiration; it's quite another to simply plagiarize the heart and soul of my father's work," said Samuel Bourdin in a press release. Seems to us that there can be little doubt as to Madonna's, um, inspiration for the video. But as for whether it is an homage or a heist, well, that's why they make juries." Now finding a jury in which Madonna has not slept with at least half of them... now there's a challenge..

 
  WEB CRAWLING: REAL ESTATE AGENT WITH AN ANGLE


Initially, Abrasion thought this link courtesy of Blacktable was a joke. Parents can be so cruel...

 
Saturday, October 04, 2003
  ABRASION OBSESSION: THE BECKHAMS part 6


The diamond studded wedding day tiara worn by Victoria "Posh" Beckham (who the bloody hell has a wedding tiara?) is for auction on eBay. Slim Barrett, designer of the piece, sites a reason to Annanova for auctioning off the Victoria specifically designed piece: "[I] just wanted to 'de-clutter the studio'."

 
Friday, October 03, 2003
  TOM GREEN RED LIGHTED


Tom Green's gross-out gabber on MTV has been axed. After a rework from sloppy yuck fest to a classic talk show hoster in the tradition of Johnny Carson, repeater ratings slipped. "Tom remains a part of the MTV family and we look forward to working with him in the future," MTV spokeswoman Marnie Black. The future is good, but specifically NOT NOW.

 
Thursday, October 02, 2003
  WEB CRAWLING: CELEBRITY EXTREME MAKEOVER


The collected butchery of socialite Jocelyn Wildenstein (pictured, lion-like above with fellow stitch sister, the transgendered rubber maid Amanda LePore), Cher, Melanie Griffith and more. Suppress your gag relflexes before entering Awful Plastic Surgery.

 
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
  SARSTOCK EXPECTS LOSS... AT LEAST SHORT TERM


CBC posts that the organisers of the Toronto Rocks SARS concert is expected to post a loss. Abrasion is particularly troubled by this short term analysis, given that the longer term rejuvenation of the tourism, film production and business convention dollars cannot be calculated from strictly ticket sales. And best not to forget the grey economy pot and pot-paraphernalia industry which undoubtedly witnessed a huge surge in revenues.

 
  BENNY'S GOT A GUN


Despite a court rendez vous, Bennifer is not wed. Turns out the media molested celebrid simply was applying for a gun license. They may be now considered armed and dangerously overexposed.

 
  ABRASION OBSESSION: THE BECKHAMS part 5


Cindy Adams reports on Page Six: "HarperCollins' new autobio "Beckham" tells of his first date with Victoria Spice Girl Posh. Really romantic. For a drink he took her to an empty Chinese restaurant and ordered two Cokes. Not recognizing them, the owner looked at him like he was the last of the big spenders and said: "Can't have drink unless you eat meal." He offered to pay for the full Column A and Column B but said all they wanted was a quiet drink. The owner of this totally empty joint said, "This exclusive restaurant," and chucked them both out."

 
Everything Cynical, Satirical, Critical, Hysterical

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