In keeping with our total destruction of the earth theme, new Abrasion contributor and web snitch, Kasm Van Dorstunborg pens the following: If you were concerned that the Book of Revelations wasn't coming to pass fast enough, now there's a rebate to ensure the speedy onset of theendtimes. RFID technology is here whether you want it or not, and is appropriate for things like toll roads. The new hook is having one implanted subdermally, with the aim of replacing cash transactions with a wave of the wrist. Why anyone would want to do this is beyond us, but if you'd like to inflict a humanity-compromising technology of questionable security and dubious value upon yourself - hey, they'll knock off fifty bucks.
Abrasion Obsession, Paris Hilton, flew coach. The end must be near. For Paris, this must be a humiliation worse than having her sloppy sex tape with online gambling don and ex-Mr. Shannen Doherty, Rick Solomon, splashed all over the internet. The only harbiger of the total destruction of the planet earth more extreme than her flying coach is if Paris Hilton borrowed a book from the library; not for the fact that she has excessive funds to have easily bought it, but for the sheer bedafflement that she intented to read.
In a decisive sweep to media rumour mongering, Michael Jackson sets up a no nonesense, no middleman press room. "I have set up this website to serve as a source of official communications on my case. Any statement that does not appear on this website must be considered unauthorized. You are right to be skeptical of some of the individuals who are being identified in the mass media as my friends, spokespeople, and attorneys. With few exceptions, most of them are simply filling a desperate void in our culture that equates visibility with insight. We will not engage in speculation. We will not provide running commentary on every new development or allegation du jour. We intend to try our case in the courtroom, not in the public or the media." Ads by google.
In celebration of the reader feedback we've been receiving, most of it very positive and complimentary ("You guys are f*cking hysterical!") we've decided to respond on a monthly basis to the people who a) take things a little too seriously, b) don't get that the media is built on a foundation of cultural criticism based on 75-100% opinion, and c) Abrasion is a NOT SERIOUS. Elouise Myrtle McGovern handles this month's letter: Hottass2004 writes: "I think you have a lot of nerve; all you can do is put down stars to make yourself feel better when you really wish you can be like them. You put down people like X-Tina because they are not pop princess or like everyone else. When they just want to be themselves. If you don`t like them for being themselves than just don`t pay any attention to them." Oh dear... the reason we put down X-Tina is because she's being exactly like everybody else- a desperate media flail using underage sexuality to peddle pop records shrink wrapped in paedo porn. Like it or not, we openly acknowledge X-Tina has a rare and amazing voice, but the prefabicated exploitation of youth talent is unwashed and unwholesome. And quite honestly, we could never be like X-Tina because we just like bathing too much and have a issue with spray on tans. Thank you for your letter, Hottass2004. You seem like a sweet, concerned girl / internet mantrap.
Spilling accusations have Michael Jackson allegedly seducing a 12 year cancer recoveree by plying the boy with sleeping pills and wine before a little one gloving. Maybe the "Billie Jean" is not a girls name after all...
Sexographed celebutante Paris Hilton makes a mystic tanned cameo in *shocker!* children's movie, The Cat In The Hat. Abrasion was able enough to sneak into the media preview of the Dr. Seus cinematic adaptation. Cute for the kids, but sharp enough for adults thanks to the shenanigans of Mike Myers, The Cat is a cool and cuddly flick for the Christmas season. Plus, you won't believe the gut on Alec Baldwin. How does Paris Hilton fit in? She appears in the scene where the Cat and kids stumble into a, get this- subterranean rave party.
Toronto's Food and Wine Show is back again. Showcasing all manner of wines, beers and spirits, and featuring the best of Toronto's culinistas, it's an annual Abrasion tradition of getting bombed and then heading off to the Matador for bleary eyed, after hours country-western boozecanning. Metro Toronto Convention Centre November 20th to 23rd with a $15 cover.
Naomi Campbell has declared upcoming Jamaican model Nakeisha Robinson her successor. Chumming about backstage, Naomi will undoubtedly mentor Nakeisha in the modelling arts of walking, wearing clothes, and most importantly, walking while wearing clothes. Additional pointers at beating up personal assistants, throwing tantrums, throwing cell phones, serial dating rockstars, actors, and/or tycoons, and parlaying model celebritydom into a lucritive bookwriting (re: ghostwritten, see equally ghostwritten Amazon reviews here), acting, and singing career (thanks you, Vanilla Ice). Be like Naomi: "I'm worth every cent."
US President George Dubya Bush's speech at Whitehall Palace in London is transcripted here. Dubya points out: "the last noted American to visit London stayed in a glass box dangling over the Thames (ed- Illusionist David Blaine who was consequently pelted with food and blasted with noisemakers). A few might have been happy to provide similar arrangements for me (ed- London Mayor Ken Livingstone plus scads of protesters) I thank Her Majesty the Queen for interceding. We're honored to be staying at her house."
Hosting political parties has apparently replaced domestica Madonna's zest for hosting tupperwear parties. Battling her way to be taken seriously as a pseudo-intellectual fading pop icon, Madonna played fundraiser to US Democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clark in her LA home on Sunday. Reportedly Clark and the Immaterial Girl "talked issues", but the specifics of those issues remains unclear- Kabbalah-related agenda? Poorly written children's literacy campaigning? Soy latte's and doing pilates? “Hey, don’t underestimate this,” reports an insider. “Madonna is often ahead of the curve.” Ahead of the curve? What the hell is this person talking about? Must be one dinosoaur commenting on another.
This one was too irresistable to not meta-post. Waitingforgoulet via Amazon via Gawker catalogues a do-it-youself, and easy to on-line consume guide entitled "So You'd Like to... Be A Hipster Artfag." From the description: "Now that you've finally seen the light and decided that the only way to live is to snub others with ridiculous posturing and pseudo-intellectual smalltalk you'll, of course, need to assimilate the usual set of pretentions and prejudices when it comes to books, films, and most importantly, music. Luckily for you, all one needs is to be a dedicated dilletante with an ability to opine on all things obscure and, therefore, great. Namedropping a critical band or a film director is all that will be required in conning your way into the unwashed, bohemian fold. There's no need to worry about knowing anything in real depth, besides the intense sense of betrayal you felt after reading DFW's latest, 'Infinite Jest: A Novel', as your fellow hipsters at large are most likely poseurs such as yourself and will not press you for discussions of any real substance." Immediately Abrasion contributors backlashed by ejecting owned copies of Donny Darko, Vice Magazine, Neal Pollack Anthology of American Literature, The Virgin Suicides, 24 Hour Party People, DDM, Bottle Rocket, Ex Models and Dizzee Rascal, seething with contempt to people who have "just picked a copy up."
Crisis Girl writes in "London Mayor Ken Livingstone on Monday called Bush "the greatest threat to life on this planet that we've most probably ever seen," and today urged the anti-Bush demonstrators to remain peaceful. "You are protesting against an illegal war and occupation, and the world will be watching you," he said." BBC further reports Livingstone's ire: "I think George Bush is the most corrupt American president since Harding in the Twenties... He is not the legitimate president... This really is a completely unsupportable government and I look forward to it being overthrown as much as I looked forward to Saddam Hussein being overthrown." When White House Press Secretatary and public face of American foreign intelligence, Ari Fleischer, was asked about Livingstone's comments, the reponse was a stone faced "...I've never heard of the fellow." Read CNN for the American media perspective.
Le Tigre tonight at the Phoenix. Expecting to see alot of angry looking lesbian hipster types with post ironic trucker hats and penis replacing wallet chains. Rumoured to kick of the show with a feisty rendition of the Pointer Sister's "I'm So Excited". Creamy.
BBC reports a pint of stout a day may just be the ticket to keeping your ticker in gear. Not only a good source of blood clot thinning and intoxicating alcohol, a solid pint of stout can contain anti-oxidants and iron to help maintain a healthy body. Infact, the practice of giving post-operative and blood donors Guiness still continues in Ireland. For perspective though, most things in Ireland are followed with a pint of something...
Monsieur "Edge" Carter points Abrasion towards this Edmonton Journal pubbed fable of generational divide and DIY satire gone astray. Are satirist weblogs putting too much unsubstantiated Jayson Blair-esque fiction fodder onto the internet? Does the average schmo have the savvy to recognise farce from fact? Will all this internet half truths turn web-based researchers into half wits? Abrasion thinks not. Any good journalist would fact check, sourcing multiple confirmatory data points. And given the pace of internet dissemination, most falsehoods are quickly exposed. Most satirical sites are made self evident by their outlandish context or mission statements. But the piece also begs the concept of "outing" blogger identities. While most bloggers shamelessly flaunt their identity, along with their deepest and most personal confessions (all Abrasion contributors are 'closet snarks' professionals using pseudonyms), what happens when mom find out son Kevin runs a confessional website? Or worse yet, an employer? Prior Abrasion editor Andrew Gatsby was pressured to yank an article on a rather scorching review he posted when linkages back to Abrasion were exposed. Should writers face up to the music and never buck under pressure or should people stop being such fucking babies? By the way, did you hear that Prince Charles might be gay?
No early love for Madonna's second children's book entitled Mr. Peabody's Apples. Perhaps more appropriately titled Ms. Ritchie's Turd, USA Today calls the mannered sophomoric picture book "pedestrian and predictable" and "displays a humorless, ham-fisted morality." BBC reports "Madonna takes on the voice of a slightly bossy teacher, telling her readers to not interrupt and to listen carefully." Perhaps demanding that children pay attention to her instead of her lapsed adult fans is her new substitute for love.
Astrology leading you astray? Buttafly offers a refreshing and caffeinated alternative with the Oracle of Starbucks. Define yourself by your java. From the billing: "Astrology is lame and Myers-Briggs is for losers. The omniscient Oracle of Starbucks can tell you everything about your personality by what you drink at Starbucks. Simply enter your full drink order -- including size -- into the field below and the all-knowing Oracle will tell you everything about your personality. Better yet, input your friends' orders to find out what they're really like. Unlike other imitations, the Oracle is 100% accurate." Find your freshly ground, inner essense here.
Not to waste more letters on the obvious fashion baiting of Xtina Aguilera, we're going to.. waste more time. The Sun rates the various in teen drag wear as modelled by the singer that put the 'ho is MTV Europe Award hostess. Abrasion favourite- mystic tanned nun in the sun. But we'll let you decide here.
Today is the inaugural launch of porn portal Fleshbot. Designed to undermine productivity coast to coast, Fleshbot features all manner of skintastic smut, including what is suspected to be the "drooling, so out of it" Paris Hilton sex tape. Further, both straight and gay sex topics are boldly and unavoidably featured, leaving Abrasion suspecting a nefarious bisexual agenda. Not for office viewing...
Amusing quote of the week ..." Re Tattoos (or permanent bell-bottoms, as a friend calls them): Let’s face it, they are a desperate, pathetic and transparent attempt by middle-class people to acquire some bad-ass grit. They look ridiculous! Stop it!" Abrasion tends to agree. The bad-ass exclusivity of tattoos has certainly deflated the rebel cache. Let's take a look at the list of lame celebrity tattoo pushers spoiling it for the rest of us:
Ben Affleck: Actor, Boston Beanhead- tattoos on back and shoulders
X-Tina Aguilera: dirrty skank- Singer has "Xtina" on back of neck, a small flower? on left wrist, strange looking design on inside left forearm, rumoured design on small of back, unknown tattoo just below bikini line
Tom Arnold: jail mate- Portrait of Roseanne, "Rosie", Star of David
Rick Campanelli: MuchMusic VJ equivalent of Poochie- tattoo on right leg
Nick Carter: Backstreet Boy / Has been- Shark on one arm, musical note on shoulder, tribal band on right arm, 2 Chinese symbols, half moon & star on other shoulder, nickname (KAOS) down spine
Creed: Christian Rockers cum Pearl Jam mawkers- various tattoos
Geri Halliwell: famous has a new desperati- black panther on lower back, star on upper back
Meg Ryan- Actress, Russell Crowe cast-off- tattoo in unknown location
Prince Charles- Royalty and suspected AC/DC- tattoo acquired while in the Navy... hmmmm...
More celebrity tattoos here.
Hello Abrasion people. I am Trini Tran the television evangelist, watcher of boob tubage, couch cocooner extraordinaire. I have now been enabled by the crafty hand of new Abrasion editor, earnest jones to post and roast in the Abrasion manner. I have many other interest besides copious amounts of the Bachelor, Survivor, Faking It, Jon Stewart, Sex and the City, Entertainment Tonight (or as I like to say, 'the news') and that super bitchy supermodel reality show with Tyra Banks. My other interests include catalogue shopping, pilates, checking out live music (Belle and Sebastian was super amazing last night at Massey Hall) and hip hop dancing. My favourite cocktail is a Bellini so if you see me strutting around downtown Toronto, be sure to buy me one. XO Trini.
Poor X-Tina Aguilera is having trouble playing nice with her fellow starlettes. After publicly brawling with Kelly Osborne, which recently included some public mouthing off at the MTV Europe Awards, she's also picking feuds with Pink. "We had been given strict instructions not to let Pink in [to Aguilera's post show bash]. We were told she was not on Christina's guest list and she didn't want her gate-crashing." The source added, "There is no love lost between them and this feud has been bubbling along. They fell out badly after a row on the set of 'Lady Marmalade' and haven't spoken since. Pink thought of paying Christina a visit because she's always trying to stir things up. But she realized there might have been an embarrassing situation at the door so decided to turn back at the last minute." If Pink thinks that's embarassing, did she not look in the mirror before she performed at the MTV Europe awards in that unflattering red devil overstuffed sausage skin?
Miu vonFurstengerg points us to this tidbit. Are You as Dumb as Jessica Simpson? Universally, we feel confident to answer, hell no.
When a secondary school brawls break out in North York, the kids apparently mean business. Armed with swords, canes, hammers and chains, of the 60 George Vanier high school teens involved, one has died while a second remains hospitalised for head injuries. Investigation of gang connection is underway, but what the fuck is going on? This ain't five points and Bill the Butcher you ain't. If teens insist on aping street fighting styles from movies then pick something retro cool like West Side Story, where you dance fight like Broadway bitches and have funny greaser hair-do's. Choreographed knife fights can earn you extra curricular credit, and just like in staged theatre, you only play dead. Plowing each other senseless with gardening implements, samuri swords and lead pipes is just so, like, totally over. Leave that reality to reality tv.
Rabid Consumerism gets hip to this new cleanser specially designed to help you "feel fresh all over... even back there." Containing all natural ingredients, Sphincterine is designed for "Men, Women, Straight or Gay, everyone who has an ass. Sphincterine was developed to clean, stimulate and refresh while giving the user complete confidence in any situation." Suspiciously, the product is cleansing, minty tasting and food grade, making Abrasion thinks it makes a nice dressing for, ahem, tossing a salad.
Friendster Fallout gets a voluptuous smothering from BadonkaDate.com. Leaked by Blacktable, we learn from the billing: "BadonkaDate is the world's largest badonkadonk butt singles network. We specialize in women with bigass badonkadonk butts - that's big juicy booties for you simple folk. Whether you're looking for a friend, a date, or just want to slap some big fat ass, Badonkadonk is the place for you." Not quite impressed? Check out these glowing reviews:
NEW YORK TIMES – "BadonkaDate.com is the only dating site that doesn’t make you feel like a loser for looking at women with fat derrières. For such a niche dating site, it’s amazing how they’ve garnered so much interest from America’s big bootied population."
WALL STREET JOURNAL – "Easily the fasting growing dating website in 2003. If their business grows to be bigger than some of the badonkadonk butts on their service, then we could see the beginning of a new renaissance in the dotcom industry."
VIBE MAGAZINE – "Who put the donk in the badonka? BadonkaDate.com, that’s who."
ROGER EBERT – "If I wasn’t already married to a woman with a huge badonkadonk, I’d sign up for this site in a second. TWO BIG-ASS THUMBS UP!"
DR. PHIL – "I’ve counseled hundreds of men who were unhappy in their relationships because their partner didn’t have a -- for lack of better words -- huge ass. You should see the look on their face the first time I mention BadonkaDate."
WIRED.COM – "In 2003 the dotcom bubble continues to burst. But for the bubbles on BadonkaDate.com, bursting is actually consider a good thing."
JENNIFER LOPEZ – "To think I was all alone."
Continuing with the Abrasion Obsession with Paris Hilton (Part 12), we reveal that the sex tape of Paris Hilton and vindictive ex boyfriend Rick Solomon has materialised, embroiling friends and family alike while titilating legions of bored, 'net surfing office workers. Page Six dishes the dastardly details: "Rick is having sex with Paris and she is so out of it, you can only see the whites of her eyes," one spy said. "She is so far gone she is drooling. It is the most disturbing video I have ever seen." Siri Garber, a rep for Hilton, said, "At one point Rick is directing Paris, and she can't even get up. He is vile and disgusting and she is the victim here." Meanwhile, although Hilton has been canoodling with "Australian Idol" loser Rob Mills, her latest stateside love, Versace model Cory Shields, is telling pals, "I don't care about the tape, I am standing by her." Shields put his money where his mouth is and sent Hilton's dog, Tinkerbell, a tiny diamond necklace with a diamond "T." After receiving the diamond necklace, Tinkerbell denied the existence of the alleged Cory Shields and Tinkerbell sex tape. You know, the one where allegedly Tinkerbell is drooling and you can only see the whites of her eyes. Apparently it's the second most disturbing video we've allegedly ever seen.
Let's take stock: slumping record sales, I.Q. deficiency revealing Newlyweds reality tv show, and a rumoured Chicken of the Sea spokeswoman role for her brainlessness. These ides would normally sink the career of even the most ardent fame seeking battleship but for some tear in the fabric of the universe, all turn to peroxide spun gold when touch by singer, actress, ditzy blonde Jessica Simpson. What's up next for Jessica? She has recently been the featured muse of the latest single by anti-folk eccentric Adam Green, is within striking distance for the lead in the cinematic remake of "I Dream Of Jeannie", is waggishly declared "Housewife of the Year" by Rollingstone, has a sitcom project in the works with ABC, has inked deals for clothing, make-up and perfume, and has netted endorsements for Procter & Gamble, Nokia, Tommy Hilfiger and American Eagle. No question, Jessica has become synonymous with stupid and America Wants Stupid.
David Parvaz scorched the dead earth on the impending launch of MTV's "Spankin' New" Magazine. Mr. Parvaz pens, "[Spankin' New] is nothing more than an ad for what's popular (read: succe$$fully marketed), not what's good" and sums up with knives out, "This is a magazine for people who have given up on culture and on even trying distinguish the shiznit from the Shiznola." Talk about abrasive!
BBC1 collected the votes, and Titanic, the film that confirmed Leo DiCaprio as a star, catapulted Kate Winslet into mainstream semi-consciousness (more for the weight of her bottom than that of her acting) and exposed James Cameron's titanic ego, is by official democratic process, the worst film of all time. Noticebly Abrasion hate favourites Swept Away (remake with maudlin media couple Madge and Guy), Glitter (with ghastly Mariah Scarey) and Gigli (commentary is quite redundant at this point) failed to crack the top 10. Perhaps too modern for universal All Time Crap status? Perhaps currently repressed from mainstream consciousness.
The top ten:
1. Titanic "It sank. There. I've saved you three hours of your life."
2. A.I.: Artificial Intellegence "Turns a promising idea into Pinocchio on Ice."
3. Pearl Harbour "Made me feel unclean."
4. Vanilla Sky "The lowest point of my life so far."
5. The Blair Witch Project "Two hours that would have been more profitably spent trying to staple my tongue to my forehead."
6. Batman And Robin "I wanted to sandpaper my retinas."
7. The Avengers "As the film went silent before the closing credits I said aloud: 'That was ****!' and got a round of applause."
8. Battlefield Earth "A totally miserable experience shared with six other sad and bemused people and 120 empty seats."
9. Eyes Wide Shut "I tried to walk out of the cinema but the film had anaesthetised my legs."
10. Highlander II - The Quickening "It stank like a dead cat under my cinema chair."
The BBC list complete with more scathing commentary is here.
It's true, I have succumbed and bought an ipod. In fact, I have been maintaining a music blog of recently uploaded choice tunes on my go-everywhere ipod on a seperate site called, simply, earnest's ipod. However, the cost of an ipod can be rather prohibative. I, being a genuine music addict, decided to splurge. And splurge I did. But for those of you without organs to sell or sexuality to compromise, I present to you an economical solution courtesy of mijnkopthee.nl. Enjoy your very own cheap ipod.
Matt and Tre parody the Queer Eye For the Straight Guy phenom right between the eyes. Isn't it absolutely fascinating how the most brilliant modern cultural analyses are most accurately reflected back to use via cartoon satire? Some choice excerpts:
- How gay I look
- Pound butt
- Gayer than you
- Fashion sense
Actually, Abrasion is back from the dead. As editor Mr. Andrew Gatsby will not be able to run the magazine (re: bitching station) while on jury duty (re: prison) sequestered away (re: solitary confinement) doling out justice (re: quips and snarks) to a society gone mad, the folks at Abrasive Media saw fit to install a new editor to keep the world informed and deformed. I, mr. earnest jones (all lower-case, please) will do my best to fill the void. Now, let's set some expecations. Given my relentless schedule of sleeping, eating and leisuring, I don't have time to post all the time. So get used to sporatic. This is a blog magazine so expect random thoughts, assorted venting and brutal criticisms. Because it's Abrasion Magazine, I will endevour to be as catty, current and caustic as possible. Remember though, it's my job to be. When I accepted this gig, selling my soul for minor internet celebritydom and cathode-ray seared retinas, I demanded a six-digit salary, a clothing allowance, a company car and a personal masseuse named Kikki. After embittered negotiations, all I got was a Starbuck coffee card with $4.85 left on it, a pair or prescription eyeglasses obviously retrieved from some YMCA lost and found bin, and a library card with the name Bethanny McNicoll on it. And they wonder why writers are so goddamn jaded. I hope to spank pop culture with the same vodka fueled hulk-like rage as Liza Minelli on David Gest's cowering ass. I will try to be the Choire Sicha to Andrew's Elizabeth Spiers. Abrasion will survive. PS- for all those lovely Abrasion readers out there who have been kind enough to subscribe- I thank you but have no idea how to set you up. I'm am a total html spazz, so please bear with me. Eventually, the subscription function will work. But for now, it doesn't. Alls I can say for now is keep the site bookmarked. Cheers.
Exacting Vengeance On Pop Culture, Daily Since 2003
PUBLISHED BY ABRASIVE MEDIA
ENTER EMAIL TO SUBSCRIBE
Kasm Van Dorstenborg
Elouise Myrtle McGovern
TORONTO: Eye / GTABloggers / Martini Boys / Now / Toronto.com
THE NETCETERATI: AccordianGuy / AnilDash / BlogsCanada / BoingBoing / TheCosair / earnest's ipod / Fark / Kottke / LowCulture / LasagnaFarm / Megnut / MemeFirst / NickDenton / PhiloHagen / Plunkerkind / Propella / SignalShift* / 601am / Stereogum / Vividblurry / Whatevs / WilWheaton