Careful how you type in that Abrasion Magazine web address...
Abrasion Magazine, a weblog of irreverent current events commentary has shockingly called it quits. When interviewed, several contributing members were as shocked about the abruptness of the closure. Some key responses:
A former back-stabbing contributor has sold Abrasion out. I guess you can't trust anyone, even your so called friends. Thanks to our current, trustworthy roster of contributors Miko, James, Gigi, Kasm, Jesus, Trini, Elouise, Eli, Crisis, but especially earnest, who has tackled manning the ship during my frequent absenses. We had a good run. Anonymity is no more. We're shutting down. That is all.
Support Toronto Fashion Week by bidding on this luxurious silver bomber style jacket on eBay! Current Price: $1! Go on! Look like you just step out of the glittery halls of the asylum! Or the corner of Jarvis and Carlton! Please note, however, the pockets are not real. NOT REAL. And it's never been worn. NOT WORN. From the description:
This is a brand new, never worn, women's jacket. It is silver and made from 92% Polyester and 8% elastan. It is made in France. The brand is "AR. one". Comfortable and stylish! The size is: T1. There are pocket-flaps on each chest side (but they are not real pockets). Zipper front.
A raging Richard Simmons bitchslaps a snarky 6'1, 255 pound, 23 year old after being verbally taunted with: "Look, Richard Simmons. Drop your bags, let's rock to the 50's." A precocious fitness guru got ferocious and retorted with "It's not nice to make fun of people with issues" before slapping the oaf in the face. [via The Smoking Gun]
We feel both proud and demeaned. Canadian singers and actresses seem to disproportionately have the corner on computer modified cumshot fantasy facials. Ewww! The score: 10 out of 36 are Canadian, including Anna Paquin, Sarah Polley, :Alanis Morrisette, Neve Campbell, Elisha Cuthbert, Kristin Kreuk, Natasha Henstridge, Shania Twain, and Avril Lavigne. That's it. We're done posting for the day. Sickos. [via Fleshbot]
Paris Hilton, while on the set of The Simple Life 2, was bucked off a horse and then kicked in the gut. Fortunately, Paris was largely unharmed. However, the horse is threatening to sell the video tape of the incident on the internet. [via IHT]
An Israeli airstrike killed wheelchair bound Hamas spiritual leader Ahmed Yassin. Martyrs are made, enemies renewed. "My great fear is that this will be understood as an attack against a religious leader." [via The Globe and Mail]
Electro receives a punk kick in the head thanks to the raw, jagged sound of T. Raumschmiere's Radio Blackout. Elisting sly electro succubus, Miss Kitten, on the smack my glitch up throb of The Game Is Not Over provides a human voice to the mostly instrumental album. This record will fit nicely into both punk and electronica record collections. [via Mute]
The Trump, in a take over bid to rule to english language, has applied for the trademark on "You're Fired!", the catchphrase from his ruthless reality tv show, The Apprentice. Seeking to exploit the shit out of the fiesty phrase, we can look forward to seeing it emblazened across clothing, "games and playthings" and "casino sevices". No trademark coverage has been applied for in the area of combovers, merkins or swirly toupees. [via The Smoking Gun]
Crafty Apple advertisers are honing in on University of Toronto students with the seductive iPod. Essentially plastering the St. George subway station with wall to wall iPod posters, logo's and signature silhouette dancers, no student would be in their right mind to not be rationing the food funds to save up for one of these lusty MP3 players. [via MacMinute]
SXSW Interactive keynote speaker Jonathan Abrams transcribed from his speech on social networking. Abrasion notes some key myths dispelled:
MYTH #1: "The story of Friendster is that my girlfriend dumped me and I created the Web site to get laid."
TRUTH: "The true story of Friendster is that my girlfriend dumped me and I created a re-animated patchwork woman made from decomposing body parts to get laid."
MYTH #2: "There weren't a lot of hot babes with Commodore 64's in Toronto in the '80s."
TRUTH: The hot babes with Commodore 64's were all in Philidelphia in the 80's.
MYTH #3: "Friendster goes beyond this viral marketing that people talk about. It's something I call viral nagging."
TRUTH: "Friendster goes beyond this hipster douchebag collection of false aquaintances that people talk about. It's something I call fucking annoying."
MYTH #4: "When people first sign up, there's usually a little frenzy, but that can't continue forever."
TRUTH: "When people first sign up, there's usually a little stalking, but that can't continue because of the terms of my parole."
MYTH #5:"Friendster a year ago was me in my apartment. "
TRUTH: "Friendster a year ago was me in my apartment and my collection of inflatable life-like sex dolls."
MYTH #6: "It's the Web of trust concept, but it's also the Web of influence. "
TRUTH: "It's the Web of trust concept, but it's also a death spiral of perpetual distraction, undermined productivity, countless service outages, mindless profile sifting and desperate testimonial panhandling." [original transcript via Fast Company Now]
The French-Canadian man accused of stalking supermodel Claudia Schiffer at her mansion in rural England has been deported from Britain. Even though Claudia Schiffer is very, very hot, Abrasion does not condone nor excuse any act of stalking. However, Abrasion notes for the record that as a Canadian, accusee Louis Alexandre Brisette, 21, undoubtedly stalked Ms. Schiffer politely and industriously. [via Canada.com]
ABC executives have obviously been plied with Jesus Juice, Jesus Blood and Demerol for this disturbing choice in casting. Get ready for the next exciting season of the Bachelor starring Michael Jackson and 25 sexy, eligible and most importantly, under-aged prep school boys. Watch as Michael courts the boys over pizza and sleeping pills, hosts giggle fest slumber parties for two with only one sleeping bag, and lures the boys onto that Never Never Land ranch ferris wheel that stalls for 15 minutes at the top. And for fans of the show, there are Jesus Juice memorabilia available from the chuch of the Landover Baptist including a Jesus Juice logo'ed cotton thong "designed to fit juniors." Sadly, no Jesus Juice soda pop cans available for covert seductions of cancer stricken underaged children. [image via Enrico Robot]
Abrasion coins the term Homophobolesbophilia, inspired by popular hip-hop street poet, 50 Cent, who claims to be a friend to lesbians, but is totally freaked out by gay men. "I ain't into faggots. I don't like gay people around me, because I'm not comfortable with what their thoughts are," the seemingly insecure rapper tells Playboy. "I'm not prejudiced... I'd rather hang out with some straight dude. But women who like women, that's cool." So remember kids. It's not prejudice. It's homophobolesbophilia. [via Calgary Sun"]
Paris Hilton gal pal and The Simple Life co-star, Nicole Richie follows suit and pops a nipple of her own, this time deliberate in a magzine spread. Abrasion is bored. Nipple taboo, like predecesors bare midriffs and low slung minge pants, is officially over. What will young vixen socialites do now to shock and bewilder? Get a job? [via GossipList]
Paris Hilton, hotel heiress, socialite celebutante, two-time amateur porn auteur, Bush beating reality tv show starlette, burgeoning karaoke and soon-to-be-released pop singer, worst dressed list topper: doomed to forever repeat the nipple baring mistakes of the past. Consider this a step down from the whole online porn fiasco with Rick Solomon. Say... wait a minute! Wasn't she caught making out with him recently! Retract! Retract! [via The Sun UK]
I've just received a drunken, slurred phone call from Abrasion contributing editor and boy-about-town earnest jones. He's partying it up St. Patrick's Day style at 606 King and chanced upon an encounter with Conservative party leadership candidate Belinda Stronach. Obviously in no state to formulate a complete sentence, earnest choked and forgot to properly badger the former Magna International CEO. So in this section we provide the collective Abrasion group think: "What I would have asked Belinda Stronach if I wasn't so goddamn shitfaced drunk."
"Belinda, your campaign has lost a lot of momentum due to the fact you basically entered the political arena from left field. Given that your political credibility is in question, do you think other party members would accept you if you wore lower cropped tops?"
"Belinda, Bill Clinton: boxers, briefs or commando?"
"Belinda, level with me... do blondes really have more fun?"
"Belinda, you basically gave up a seven digit executive salary to get in to politics where, if you gain party leadership, would forfeit any compensation. If you're not interested in the money, please justify why that is reassuring to the public when, by deduction, you're only in it for the power?"
"...wait a fucking minute! You're not Belinda Carlisle...!"
Just when you though grazing on a wilted stack of line assemble fast food salad was your healthy, low fat alternative, you find yourself deceived. Startling facts from the McDonalds menu:
"A Caesar salad with Chicken Premiere" contains 18.4 grams of fat compared with 11.5 grams of fat in a standard cheeseburger."
Abrasion is aghast but takes comfort in knowing we still have the assurances of weight reducing Light Beer and healthy Mild Cigarettes. [via Reuters.com]
Astronomers are giddy over the discovery of what appears to be the Solar System's 10th planet. Tentatively dubbed 'Sedna' after the Inuit goddess of the ocean, the heavenly body, identified from California's Mount Palomar Observatory, is the most distant object yet found orbiting our Sun at three times further away than Pluto. If its planetary status is confirmed, it may be that astronomy's governing body, the International Astronomical Union, will want to reconsider this, to make it more consistent with the mythological names of other planets. Leaping at the chance to contribute, Abrasion submits the following, lesser know deities of the pantheon:
Pornoboros: Minor Greek God of engorgement
Nigella: Minor British Domestic Goddess
Dysenteria: Minor Greek Goddess of unboiled drinking water
Fornicopia: Minor Roman Goddess of the booty call, signed to Bad Boy Entertainment, album hits July!
L. Ron Hubbard: Minor American God of celebrity tithing and abominable science fiction writing
Madonna Ciconne: False Idol Goddess of mawkish unoriginality and stump-like claws
JackoGeistWildensteinLePore: Minor Roman Gender Bending Entity of botched cosmetic surgery and silicon gunned lips
Nike: Minor Greek Goddess of victory, premium sporting apparel and proud platnium sponsor of the Mount Palomar Observatory [via BBC NEWS]
Writer Ben Brown is slated to sit on a discussion panel tomorrow with Friendster founder Jonathan Abrams. Given the opportunity, Ben would like to slip in "some pointed / leading / crude questions." Upon receiving Ben's missive, the Abrasion HQ clattered with the sound of dropped knitting needles. Here at Abrasion, we pride ourselves on our pointedness, leadingness, and excellence in crudeness. This was a clarion call. The following are our submitted questions, for which answers we anxiously await (bring 'em back alive, Ben):
"Questions for Jonathan Abrams, founder of Friendster:
"Is Friendster a conjunction of the two seperate and distinct concepts of:
A. Friend and Napster?
B. Friend and Monster?
C. Friend and Shyster?
D. Friend and Oyster?"
"Jon, please comment on your maniac rage against Fakesters and your draconian efforts at Fakester ethnic cleansing."
"Jon, the press has been rather ruthless in portraying your efforts at developing a reality TV show based on the Friendster web community. Some words bandied about include "difficult", "close minded to any ideas but his own", "pig headed", "pig faced", "pig stinky", and various other pig related slurs ad nauseum. Can you provide us with specific examples of your behaviour that support this perception of you?"
"When was the last time you got laid on Friendster and why does never not surprise me?"
Canadian and US relations are seemingly a lttle one sided these days. In a recent Leger Marketing poll, nations we asked which contry they considered "best friend." While 50% of Canadians consider the USA to be best mate, only 20% of Americans reciprocated. Who is America's strange mistress in the night? None other than that saucey interloping office hussy Britain, stealing America's affections at 61%. McGill University North American Relations pundit, Harold Waller offers some insight: " The average American hears about Britain all the time. He hears about [British Prime Minister] Tony Blair, he's aware of the fact they fought the war together in Iraq, that they've been allies for years and years. Americans know almost nothing about Canada and Canadians. They simply assume that things are pretty much the same here. They don't see any Canadian TV. They don't see any programs about Canada. Canada only makes the news in the U.S. when something big happens like an election or disaster. Canadians on the other hand, because they know about the U.S., they're more sensitive to the differences between the two countries." While in America, "If you did a Family Feud-style poll and you said 'Other than the United States, name countries,' the average American could probably get to 12. Britain's definitely one of them. But if you ask them England against Scotland, you start puzzling them." And considering Canada's recent abstinence from the war in Iraq, we here at Abrasion as just glad to hear they've not renamed our popular breakfast item to "Freedom Bacon." [via The Globe and Mail]
Donald Trump is trying his hand at everything these days: tycoon, media mogul, reality TV star, and now, disco diva. Sampling some of the choices slices of floppy haired dictatorial dictum from his hit NBC show "The Apprentice" ("Stay focused, be paranoid and don't blow it... It's not personal, it's just business... You're fired!") the DJ Reach dance track will be hitting New York clubs as soon as you can say ka-ching! [via Page Six]
George Dubya Bush during his speech from the White House to honour women reformers during International Women's Week: "Earlier today, the Libyan government released Fathi Jahmi. She's a local government official who was imprisoned in 2002 for advocating free speech and democracy." Fathi Jahmi is a man. [via Yahoo!]
The disco punk debut from the Scottish four piece named after an assassinated Austrian archduke provides get up tunes to boogie down to. Sly lyrics, camp posturing and enough guitar chomps to retract any threat of a British mod emigration stateside via New York scenesters Interpol, Franz Ferdinand purvey a pop accessibility and a rhythmic sensibilty that continues to be absent from current rock music- a beat to dance to. Already topping UK charts, singer Alex Kapranos said of topping the pops and signing their major North American distribution deal: "I don't think by getting into the charts we've sold out. By playing music to lots of people? I don't think so at all. I think popular music should come from the leftfield, it should come from the outside. The best music comes from the edges and takes over." With groove friendly rock acts like Hot Hot Heat, the Rapture and Radio 4 still marginal from the mainstream, Franz Ferdinand stand a good chance of breaking the disco punk genre sound and assassinating the mindless thrash and gurn of the current rock set. Standout tracks: Take Me Out, The Dark Of The Matinee, Darts Of Pleasure. [via Domino Records]
Jack White is the new tantrum throwing Naomi Campbell, pleading guilty to assault charges and being sentenced to attend Anger Management classes and pay a $500 fine. Considering the pulplike puss of assaultee, Von Bondies frontman Jason Stollsteimer, Abrasion thinks Jack got off easy. And considering the fetching auburn dyed hair Jack sported into the courtroom, you might say he got off *chortle* Nice 'N Easy. [via VH1]
With the slide in ratings, CTV has pulled the plug on Canada's favourite unwatched late night show. "Unfortunately, and in spite of a major promotion effort by Global, the program has not demonstrated the degree of success that merits a continued run," Doug Hoover, senior programming vice-president at Global, said in a statement Friday. "I sort of wonder," muses Michael Nolan, a media expert at the University of Western Ontario, "if you compare him to American talk shows, if he has too much edge for a consistent night talk show. I think he's got too much bite sometimes." Now, Abrasion would never go as far as to say Mike Bullard's got bite, but he's sure got boring down pat. [via Canada.com]
International dilettante and Abrasion contributor, Eli Virgo preens and pimps from the sunny beaches of exotic Thailand. Ladies agree, Eli is one sexy mofo with, in his own words "a Jewfro" that can't be beat. That's quite a grip you've got on that snorkel hose, Mr. Virgo...
Abrasion is in the midst of a redesign. Any thoughts on this new proposed header?
Abrasion shudders to think favourite British style and culture magazine The Face is under threat:
"THE FACE is under threat of closure. Profits have been down, and our
parent company Emap is currently reviewing the future of the
THE FACE has always stood for discovering and promoting the best in
creative talent within British and international pop culture. You
can help ensure it can continue to do so.
We would like you to write a letter of support, addressed to the
editor, Neil Stevenson (email it to: save(at)theface.co.uk). We will
pass your letter on to the Emap executives.
A two-line letter is enough, but if you're feeling creative, please
email a small digital photo of yourself holding a copy of the
magazine. If you would rather we didn't republish your letter,
please say so.
We need our letters by the end of Tuesday 16th.
THE FACE team"
Get those emails blazing and SAVE THE FACE!
Exotic web bunny and contributor Crisis Girl hooks the world up with SARSING: (v)Clearing your throat (horking) and spitting in public to intentionally spread diseases of the throat and lungs. Refers to recent outbreaks of SARS and resulting paranoia of getting sick through casual contact in public. e.g., Ew, that guy just sarsed all over the sidewalk. Our Toronto based Abrasionists feel a warming sense of at-least-partial ownership to this vulgar, pestilent act. [ via Pseudodictionary]
Net savvy contributor Crisis Girl points us to the intricacies of the American dialect. How do you address a group of two or more people?
Carson writes "Rick Perry, Texas’ Governor and George W. Bush’s Lieutenant Governor, is in the process of going through a divorce due to his wife catching him having an affair. This particular affair was with a man. Not only a man but also a fellow Republican in the Texas government. Considering the current drive to alter our Constitution and ban gay marriage it seems appropriate that Bush’s right hand man having a gay affair should be news. Especially when Perry personally appointed the man he was having an affair with to his current position. This message may seem like dirty pool but since we are in one of the most destructive Presidencies in recent history it seems appropriate to do anything to stop its reelection. Not to mention you know this would be news if it had been a Democrat. Demand to know why this story is being buried. Force it into America’s consciousness."
Claire Zulkey posts "of all the links I have ever clicked on in my life, this one was the most worthwhile."
The Toronto Star rails against the inane "self indulgent waste of time" called blogs, while singing the praises of The Sneeze.com within the same breath. To the writer of the article we say the only thing worse than a self indulgent waste of time blog is a self indulgent waste of time op-ed. If you have a problem with that then go blog to someone who cares.
Conservative leadership candidate and aspiring "Parliment Hill Barbie", Belinda Stronach, hit the karaoke circuit last Thursday to kick off what she is dubbing "Welcome to Frosh Week in politics." After wrapping up her set list which included a defiant rendition of Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots are Made for Walking" (One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over taxpayers like you), Jon Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer" (And daddy's corporate connections) and John Cougar Mellencamp's "Jack and Diane" (Belinda and Bill), Belinda is presumed to have continued her frosh antics rampaging through downtown Toronto with the rest of her sorority sisters, shot gunning beers along the Esplande pub crawl and sleeping with the entire varsity football team.
The Singhsons, a spoof of the Simpsons loses nothing in translation. Thank you, come again.
From IMDB, "Flamboyant singer Sir Elton John has hit back at reports he plans to marry his longtime boyfriend David Furnish, although he does support same-sex marriage. It was recently reported the Rocket Man singer wanted to get married again - after divorcing wife Renate Blauel in 1988 - when American President George W. Bush announced a proposed constitutional amendment to outlaw gay weddings. The reports stated that John and his Canadian beau had plans to walk down the aisle together when gay marriage was legalized in his native Britain - but he insists nothing could be further from the truth. He says in a statement, 'David and I are in favor of gay marriage but have no plans to get married.'" Instead, Abrasion collects that the fab couple will instead focus on chasing sworn enemy Boy George into the ladies room or concentrate on being infinitely more annoying than Mick Hucknall. [via IMDB]
Director Kevin Smith to Ben Affleck: "'Dude, I read on the net last night that you don't have real hair - that you got into a bar brawl with Vince Vaughn and he pulled your wig piece off.' And he was like, 'I haven't seen Vince Vaughn in two years. Let alone in the bar. Let alone do I have fake hair.'' Okay, fine. Can we get the scoop on Vince Vaughn's hair then? [via IMDB]
CNN reports that pets are waaay more fashionable than children. Besides the obvious advantages of sustaining the species, pets just seem to score higher. "The best part about having dogs is they will make you smile at least once a day, and that is priceless." So when comparing the priceless smiles generated by pet rearing, the $10M price tag of your run of the mill, trendier than Pottery Barn store bought Chinese baby girl, or the hassles of finding a fertile, psychotic episode-free mating partner to actually fall in love and sire a child with, the choice is clear. [via CNN]
Coat hanger and blowtorch? Teen kids go to town on DIY individuality by searing homemade wire designs into flesh. Although the branding trend has been around for a while, typically with a porcelain patterned branding iron, the bent coathanger ghetto variety seems to be waaay hipper amongst tragic teen cool seekers. Upcoming teen trends on the horizon? Self inflicted shotgun wounds, limb exchanging with friends via willful amputation and surgical reattachment, and, our favourite, eyebrow burning. [via TheDenverChannel]
More reasons to hate Bonnie Fuller, Canadian ex-pat, blabloid editorial directrix and apparent crumb progenitor:
"Staffers are also said to be upset that Fuller frequently conducts meetings while eating a sandwich or a bun that gives off lots of crumbs. Fuller doesn't deny that she gobbles down food in front of staffers at meetings, but said it's a two-way street.
"We're very free around here. Sometimes I have a sandwich. The other day I was at a meeting in which two staffers were eating sandwiches. We don't go out for lunch." Can you believe that? Forcing staffers to have to deal with the physical and mental anguish of working lunch crusty sandwich crumbs? What a gaddamn fucking bitch. [via ISurvivedBonnie]
Found guilty of all four counts in her stock trading case on Friday, domestic doyenne Martha Stewart vows to appeal in dramatic courtroom sequel, The Omnimedia Empire Strikes Back. A rebel force juror calls guilty verdict "a victory for the average guy." Decidely upbeat, Martha proves she is a positive force, resisting the dark temptations of falling into shadow despite her net worth dropping a stupifying $85 million. [via CBC]
Alex the Art Director has leveraged the power of eBay's online auctioning to whore his design skills to prospective agency johns. From his decription:
"Alex the Art Director looks great in board meetings, concepts well with others and really knows how to take Direction. This easy-going creative has interned at such shops as Mad Dogs & Englishmen and Publicis & Hal Riney. Most recently he has freelanced at Plan B and DDB Chicago. Currently, Alex the Art Director has been working on his own freelance clients under the name uglytown and friends.
Ask him about his interests in motorcycles, fine arts and film theory, or just why the Rolling Stones are the greatest rock band ever.
Winning bid will also receive a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts on the last Fridayof every week. Longer term negotiable. Out of town agencies assume the responsibility of travel and expenses."
Abrasion notes this may change the entire eBay business model to livestock and sentient beings. Next entrepreneuring most likely to self-sell on eBay? 14 year old Thai prostitutes. [via AdRants]
Charlize Theron, Academy Award winning actress and tabloid suspected weed fiend, has single handedly revitalized the public's interest in the DIY apple pipe via this incriminating photo. Follow this link to learn the simple 1-2-3's of apple pipe construction. [via NewYorkish]
Now that most other definable ethnic groups in America are tettering on the brink of morbid obesity, it seems McDonalds has turn its all seeing eye of Sauron to the Asian American market. Combining empowering (re: patronizing) and culturally sympathetic (re: racially stereotyping) language ("Whether we're sipping green tea or enjoying a Big Mac® sandwich, we're helping make the magic mix called America become even richer") with obvious Asians-enjoying-product-shots imagery, we could not resist. After reviewing the McDonald's launched website i-am-asian.com, resident Abrasion fashionisto Jesus Chichuahua conducts some on-the-street market research to get the POV of everyday Americans. Some choice cynicsim:
"those skinny-ass Asians could stand to put on a couple of pounds"
"makes sense. I mean, all those white people they use to target kept suing. I guess asians are less litigious."
"does this mean the average woman's pant size at Club Monaco will go up?"
"Do they really expect Asians to be able to pronounce "I'm Lovin it? Ridicurous."
"since the cheese in the cheeseburgers is 100% milk free, i don't think those lactose intolerant Asians should have any problem with this"
"American brand name!" [link via AccordianGuy]
New favourite adjective: gassy. Don't think, just use it everywhere.
"Honey, those pants don't make you look fat, they make you look gassy."
"Meanwhile, in the pharmaceutical sector, third quarter earnings were gassy."
"Weapons of Gassy Destruction have not yet been found."
"Eileen! Gassy chicken recipie! The kids loved it."
2004: the year of the raspberry.
Internet rumours or just silly gossip that Osama Bin Laden has already been captured by US military in Pakistan, held in a secret government facility and pending public announcement during a critical election period? According to an Iranian state radio broadcast: "Osama bin Laden has been arrested a long time ago, but Bush is intending to use it for propaganda maneuvering in the presidential election." Sounds so outlandish it may even be true....!
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