ABRASION MAGAZINE

ABRASION: CORPSE IS STILL WARM YET OVERRUN BY CHRISTIANS

2004-03-30T18:13:00.000-05:00

Careful how you type in that Abrasion Magazine web address...

Correct: http://abrasion.blogspot.com

Incorrect: http://abrasion.blogpsot.com

...lest ye fall in to the awaiting clutches of the thumpers and the pious! By implication, does this mean Abrasion is considered ungodly? Hot!

ABRASION BLOGS ABOUT ABRASION

2004-03-30T08:18:00.000-05:00

Abrasion Magazine, a weblog of irreverent current events commentary has shockingly called it quits. When interviewed, several contributing members were as shocked about the abruptness of the closure. Some key responses:

Miko Sosumi: Yeah. The blog was totally knifed by a now estranged writer. I use the term writer loosely since he-slash-she didn't really write a damn thing. Man, some people just get (mast) head given to them on a freakin platter. I work in the advertising agency business and I know how touchy feeling appearances can be. Dealing with these massive corporations, there is a large emphasis on reputations and rules of conduct and "leadership" values. I can see how those who value superficial impressions would see a concern on association. However, I would never consider superficiality a value. Nor would I consider a bit of light mirth a conflict of interest. To those who do, I say get a sense of humour and get a life. If somewant to blow off a little steam that is in absolutely no way related back to their day jobs, then more power to them.

Elouise Myrtle McGovern: I cannot believe how childish this all is. In my day, if you didn't like what people wrote, you burned the book. Nothing like a good old fashion book burning. We'd burn Watership Down, we'd burn Huckleberry Finn, we'd burn Consumer Distributing catalogues (my those prices were outrageous for that cheap ass quality). People prefered destroying without really understanding. Burn the witch, they'd cry, even there was no witch in sight. It was mob hysteria. But in this so called information superhighway age, so much information is digital. You'd have to burn up all your laptop computers. Toss the ole iBook on the pyre and burn the literary infidels they'd cry! Well laptops are not a dime a dozen, and unlike books, all that plastic and circuitry would smoke up something toxic. So if you don't like what's written, then don't surf the website, you dumb-asses, and leave us the hell alone.

earnest jones: Total treachery. Abject betrayal. Several of the key incognito writers of Abrasion got outed to their places of employment. And you know what a knife a blog is into the heart of corporate productivity. I've still go the shakes. But to tell you the truth, I get the shakes after one cup of coffee. I'm such a caffeine pussy. Anyway, I hate all this political bullshit. In an ideal world, people should be able to do what the hell they like. It's meant to be a humour site for bloody sakes. With a name like Abrasion Magazine, that should be rather self evident. What people do in their personal time is their own damn business. The irony is, while we bitch about privacy, yet we blog gossip. Ouch!

Jesus Chichuahua: I was too busy at Toronto Fashion Week to notice. Did you hear? Phillip Bloch was freaking about price tags on the shoes and dirt on the runways. Delicious! Oh, and I don't think Abrasion should shut down. Fuck them. We do what we want. Nobody can stop us.

Crisis Girl: Even if I was fucking dogs up the ass on the weekend, what does the employer care? None of their business. I work very hard to not have any reputation that can be broken by a simple collision of worlds. If anyone is ashamed or scared of what their work colleagues might think about what they write for Abrasion, then they probably shouldn't write it in the first place or they should switch jobs or at least tell their coworkers to mind their own business, and in the VERY least, keep the chitchat to breaks.

Kasm Von Dorstenborg: Simply put, my employer would only be offended by me not blogging on our corporate site. I am personally unaffected, and I can continue to contribute.

What does it all mean? We don't know yet... limp, limp, limp...

ABRASION HAS BEEN SOLD OUT

2004-03-26T08:12:00.000-05:00

A former back-stabbing contributor has sold Abrasion out. I guess you can't trust anyone, even your so called friends. Thanks to our current, trustworthy roster of contributors Miko, James, Gigi, Kasm, Jesus, Trini, Elouise, Eli, Crisis, but especially earnest, who has tackled manning the ship during my frequent absenses. We had a good run. Anonymity is no more. We're shutting down. That is all.

TACKY FOR CHEAP!

2004-03-25T22:48:00.000-05:00

Support Toronto Fashion Week by bidding on this luxurious silver bomber style jacket on eBay! Current Price: $1! Go on! Look like you just step out of the glittery halls of the asylum! Or the corner of Jarvis and Carlton! Please note, however, the pockets are not real. NOT REAL. And it's never been worn. NOT WORN. From the description:
This is a brand new, never worn, women's jacket. It is silver and made from 92% Polyester and 8% elastan. It is made in France. The brand is "AR. one". Comfortable and stylish! The size is: T1. There are pocket-flaps on each chest side (but they are not real pockets). Zipper front.
[via eBay]

MOCKING PEOPLE WITH ISSUES INCITES JUST DESSERTS

2004-03-25T22:16:00.000-05:00

A raging Richard Simmons bitchslaps a snarky 6'1, 255 pound, 23 year old after being verbally taunted with: "Look, Richard Simmons. Drop your bags, let's rock to the 50's." A precocious fitness guru got ferocious and retorted with "It's not nice to make fun of people with issues" before slapping the oaf in the face. [via The Smoking Gun]

EWW! CANADIAN CUM SHOTS!

2004-03-23T19:06:00.000-05:00

We feel both proud and demeaned. Canadian singers and actresses seem to disproportionately have the corner on computer modified cumshot fantasy facials. Ewww! The score: 10 out of 36 are Canadian, including Anna Paquin, Sarah Polley, :Alanis Morrisette, Neve Campbell, Elisha Cuthbert, Kristin Kreuk, Natasha Henstridge, Shania Twain, and Avril Lavigne. That's it. We're done posting for the day. Sickos. [via Fleshbot]

PARIS HILTON:0, HORSE:2

2004-03-22T21:34:00.000-05:00

Paris Hilton, while on the set of The Simple Life 2, was bucked off a horse and then kicked in the gut. Fortunately, Paris was largely unharmed. However, the horse is threatening to sell the video tape of the incident on the internet. [via IHT]

SPRING HAS SPRUNG WITH WARMONGER AFRESH

2004-03-22T13:29:00.000-05:00

An Israeli airstrike killed wheelchair bound Hamas spiritual leader Ahmed Yassin. Martyrs are made, enemies renewed. "My great fear is that this will be understood as an attack against a religious leader." [via The Globe and Mail]

SUNDAY CD REVIEW: RADIO BLACKOUT BY T. RAUMSCHMIERE

2004-03-21T19:50:00.000-05:00

Electro receives a punk kick in the head thanks to the raw, jagged sound of T. Raumschmiere's Radio Blackout. Elisting sly electro succubus, Miss Kitten, on the smack my glitch up throb of The Game Is Not Over provides a human voice to the mostly instrumental album. This record will fit nicely into both punk and electronica record collections. [via Mute]

YOU'RE FIRED! TM

2004-03-19T15:42:00.000-05:00

The Trump, in a take over bid to rule to english language, has applied for the trademark on "You're Fired!", the catchphrase from his ruthless reality tv show, The Apprentice. Seeking to exploit the shit out of the fiesty phrase, we can look forward to seeing it emblazened across clothing, "games and playthings" and "casino sevices". No trademark coverage has been applied for in the area of combovers, merkins or swirly toupees. [via The Smoking Gun]

IPOD MAULS TORONTO SUBWAY

2004-03-18T22:39:00.000-05:00

Crafty Apple advertisers are honing in on University of Toronto students with the seductive iPod. Essentially plastering the St. George subway station with wall to wall iPod posters, logo's and signature silhouette dancers, no student would be in their right mind to not be rationing the food funds to save up for one of these lusty MP3 players. [via MacMinute]

JONATHAN ABRAMS AND THE LEGEND OF FRIENDSTER

2004-03-17T22:50:00.000-05:00

SXSW Interactive keynote speaker Jonathan Abrams transcribed from his speech on social networking. Abrasion notes some key myths dispelled:

MYTH #1: "The story of Friendster is that my girlfriend dumped me and I created the Web site to get laid."
TRUTH: "The true story of Friendster is that my girlfriend dumped me and I created a re-animated patchwork woman made from decomposing body parts to get laid."

MYTH #2: "There weren't a lot of hot babes with Commodore 64's in Toronto in the '80s."
TRUTH: The hot babes with Commodore 64's were all in Philidelphia in the 80's.

MYTH #3: "Friendster goes beyond this viral marketing that people talk about. It's something I call viral nagging."
TRUTH: "Friendster goes beyond this hipster douchebag collection of false aquaintances that people talk about. It's something I call fucking annoying."

MYTH #4: "When people first sign up, there's usually a little frenzy, but that can't continue forever."
TRUTH: "When people first sign up, there's usually a little stalking, but that can't continue because of the terms of my parole."

MYTH #5:"Friendster a year ago was me in my apartment. "
TRUTH: "Friendster a year ago was me in my apartment and my collection of inflatable life-like sex dolls."

MYTH #6: "It's the Web of trust concept, but it's also the Web of influence. "
TRUTH: "It's the Web of trust concept, but it's also a death spiral of perpetual distraction, undermined productivity, countless service outages, mindless profile sifting and desperate testimonial panhandling." [original transcript via Fast Company Now]

CANADIAN STALKER HAS GOOD TASTE IN STALKING VICTIM

2004-03-17T22:17:00.000-05:00

The French-Canadian man accused of stalking supermodel Claudia Schiffer at her mansion in rural England has been deported from Britain. Even though Claudia Schiffer is very, very hot, Abrasion does not condone nor excuse any act of stalking. However, Abrasion notes for the record that as a Canadian, accusee Louis Alexandre Brisette, 21, undoubtedly stalked Ms. Schiffer politely and industriously. [via Canada.com]

THE NEW BACHELOR

2004-03-17T19:16:00.000-05:00

ABC executives have obviously been plied with Jesus Juice, Jesus Blood and Demerol for this disturbing choice in casting. Get ready for the next exciting season of the Bachelor starring Michael Jackson and 25 sexy, eligible and most importantly, under-aged prep school boys. Watch as Michael courts the boys over pizza and sleeping pills, hosts giggle fest slumber parties for two with only one sleeping bag, and lures the boys onto that Never Never Land ranch ferris wheel that stalls for 15 minutes at the top. And for fans of the show, there are Jesus Juice memorabilia available from the chuch of the Landover Baptist including a Jesus Juice logo'ed cotton thong "designed to fit juniors." Sadly, no Jesus Juice soda pop cans available for covert seductions of cancer stricken underaged children. [image via Enrico Robot]

NEW SPEAK: HOMOPHOBOLESBOPHILIA

2004-03-17T18:58:00.000-05:00

Abrasion coins the term Homophobolesbophilia, inspired by popular hip-hop street poet, 50 Cent, who claims to be a friend to lesbians, but is totally freaked out by gay men. "I ain't into faggots. I don't like gay people around me, because I'm not comfortable with what their thoughts are," the seemingly insecure rapper tells Playboy. "I'm not prejudiced... I'd rather hang out with some straight dude. But women who like women, that's cool." So remember kids. It's not prejudice. It's homophobolesbophilia. [via Calgary Sun"]

NIPPLEGATE 3: RICHIE'S UDDER

2004-03-17T07:36:00.000-05:00

Paris Hilton gal pal and The Simple Life co-star, Nicole Richie follows suit and pops a nipple of her own, this time deliberate in a magzine spread. Abrasion is bored. Nipple taboo, like predecesors bare midriffs and low slung minge pants, is officially over. What will young vixen socialites do now to shock and bewilder? Get a job? [via GossipList]

NIPPLEGATE 2: PARIS POPS OUT

2004-03-16T23:26:00.000-05:00

Paris Hilton, hotel heiress, socialite celebutante, two-time amateur porn auteur, Bush beating reality tv show starlette, burgeoning karaoke and soon-to-be-released pop singer, worst dressed list topper: doomed to forever repeat the nipple baring mistakes of the past. Consider this a step down from the whole online porn fiasco with Rick Solomon. Say... wait a minute! Wasn't she caught making out with him recently! Retract! Retract! [via The Sun UK]

QUESTION PERIOD: EARNEST JONES VS. BELINDA STRONACH

2004-03-16T21:36:00.000-05:00

I've just received a drunken, slurred phone call from Abrasion contributing editor and boy-about-town earnest jones. He's partying it up St. Patrick's Day style at 606 King and chanced upon an encounter with Conservative party leadership candidate Belinda Stronach. Obviously in no state to formulate a complete sentence, earnest choked and forgot to properly badger the former Magna International CEO. So in this section we provide the collective Abrasion group think: "What I would have asked Belinda Stronach if I wasn't so goddamn shitfaced drunk."

"Belinda, your campaign has lost a lot of momentum due to the fact you basically entered the political arena from left field. Given that your political credibility is in question, do you think other party members would accept you if you wore lower cropped tops?"

"Belinda, Bill Clinton: boxers, briefs or commando?"

"Belinda, level with me... do blondes really have more fun?"

"Belinda, you basically gave up a seven digit executive salary to get in to politics where, if you gain party leadership, would forfeit any compensation. If you're not interested in the money, please justify why that is reassuring to the public when, by deduction, you're only in it for the power?"

"...wait a fucking minute! You're not Belinda Carlisle...!"

MCSALAD SHOCKER!

2004-03-16T08:42:00.000-05:00

Just when you though grazing on a wilted stack of line assemble fast food salad was your healthy, low fat alternative, you find yourself deceived. Startling facts from the McDonalds menu:

"A Caesar salad with Chicken Premiere" contains 18.4 grams of fat compared with 11.5 grams of fat in a standard cheeseburger."

Abrasion is aghast but takes comfort in knowing we still have the assurances of weight reducing Light Beer and healthy Mild Cigarettes. [via Reuters.com]

FINDING THE 10TH PLANET

2004-03-16T07:39:00.000-05:00

Astronomers are giddy over the discovery of what appears to be the Solar System's 10th planet. Tentatively dubbed 'Sedna' after the Inuit goddess of the ocean, the heavenly body, identified from California's Mount Palomar Observatory, is the most distant object yet found orbiting our Sun at three times further away than Pluto. If its planetary status is confirmed, it may be that astronomy's governing body, the International Astronomical Union, will want to reconsider this, to make it more consistent with the mythological names of other planets. Leaping at the chance to contribute, Abrasion submits the following, lesser know deities of the pantheon:
Pornoboros: Minor Greek God of engorgement
Nigella: Minor British Domestic Goddess
Dysenteria: Minor Greek Goddess of unboiled drinking water
Fornicopia: Minor Roman Goddess of the booty call, signed to Bad Boy Entertainment, album hits July!
L. Ron Hubbard: Minor American God of celebrity tithing and abominable science fiction writing
Madonna Ciconne: False Idol Goddess of mawkish unoriginality and stump-like claws
JackoGeistWildensteinLePore: Minor Roman Gender Bending Entity of botched cosmetic surgery and silicon gunned lips
Nike: Minor Greek Goddess of victory, premium sporting apparel and proud platnium sponsor of the Mount Palomar Observatory [via BBC NEWS]

QUESTION PERIOD: BEN BROWN VS. JONATHAN "FRIENDSTER" ABRAMS

2004-03-15T20:43:00.000-05:00

Writer Ben Brown is slated to sit on a discussion panel tomorrow with Friendster founder Jonathan Abrams. Given the opportunity, Ben would like to slip in "some pointed / leading / crude questions." Upon receiving Ben's missive, the Abrasion HQ clattered with the sound of dropped knitting needles. Here at Abrasion, we pride ourselves on our pointedness, leadingness, and excellence in crudeness. This was a clarion call. The following are our submitted questions, for which answers we anxiously await (bring 'em back alive, Ben):

"Questions for Jonathan Abrams, founder of Friendster:

"Is Friendster a conjunction of the two seperate and distinct concepts of:
A. Friend and Napster?
B. Friend and Monster?
C. Friend and Shyster?
D. Friend and Oyster?"

"Jon, please comment on your maniac rage against Fakesters and your draconian efforts at Fakester ethnic cleansing."

"Jon, the press has been rather ruthless in portraying your efforts at developing a reality TV show based on the Friendster web community. Some words bandied about include "difficult", "close minded to any ideas but his own", "pig headed", "pig faced", "pig stinky", and various other pig related slurs ad nauseum. Can you provide us with specific examples of your behaviour that support this perception of you?"

"When was the last time you got laid on Friendster and why does never not surprise me?"

HEY, AMERICA! UP HERE!

2004-03-15T07:04:00.000-05:00

Canadian and US relations are seemingly a lttle one sided these days. In a recent Leger Marketing poll, nations we asked which contry they considered "best friend." While 50% of Canadians consider the USA to be best mate, only 20% of Americans reciprocated. Who is America's strange mistress in the night? None other than that saucey interloping office hussy Britain, stealing America's affections at 61%. McGill University North American Relations pundit, Harold Waller offers some insight: " The average American hears about Britain all the time. He hears about [British Prime Minister] Tony Blair, he's aware of the fact they fought the war together in Iraq, that they've been allies for years and years. Americans know almost nothing about Canada and Canadians. They simply assume that things are pretty much the same here. They don't see any Canadian TV. They don't see any programs about Canada. Canada only makes the news in the U.S. when something big happens like an election or disaster. Canadians on the other hand, because they know about the U.S., they're more sensitive to the differences between the two countries." While in America, "If you did a Family Feud-style poll and you said 'Other than the United States, name countries,' the average American could probably get to 12. Britain's definitely one of them. But if you ask them England against Scotland, you start puzzling them." And considering Canada's recent abstinence from the war in Iraq, we here at Abrasion as just glad to hear they've not renamed our popular breakfast item to "Freedom Bacon." [via The Globe and Mail]

YOU'RE FIRED, NOW DANCE!

2004-03-14T23:55:00.000-05:00

Donald Trump is trying his hand at everything these days: tycoon, media mogul, reality TV star, and now, disco diva. Sampling some of the choices slices of floppy haired dictatorial dictum from his hit NBC show "The Apprentice" ("Stay focused, be paranoid and don't blow it... It's not personal, it's just business... You're fired!") the DJ Reach dance track will be hitting New York clubs as soon as you can say ka-ching! [via Page Six]

NOW HIRING: BUSH FACT CHECKERS

2004-03-14T23:46:00.000-05:00

George Dubya Bush during his speech from the White House to honour women reformers during International Women's Week: "Earlier today, the Libyan government released Fathi Jahmi. She's a local government official who was imprisoned in 2002 for advocating free speech and democracy." Fathi Jahmi is a man. [via Yahoo!]

SUNDAY CD REVIEW: FRANZ FERDINAND

2004-03-14T21:52:00.000-05:00

The disco punk debut from the Scottish four piece named after an assassinated Austrian archduke provides get up tunes to boogie down to. Sly lyrics, camp posturing and enough guitar chomps to retract any threat of a British mod emigration stateside via New York scenesters Interpol, Franz Ferdinand purvey a pop accessibility and a rhythmic sensibilty that continues to be absent from current rock music- a beat to dance to. Already topping UK charts, singer Alex Kapranos said of topping the pops and signing their major North American distribution deal: "I don't think by getting into the charts we've sold out. By playing music to lots of people? I don't think so at all. I think popular music should come from the leftfield, it should come from the outside. The best music comes from the edges and takes over." With groove friendly rock acts like Hot Hot Heat, the Rapture and Radio 4 still marginal from the mainstream, Franz Ferdinand stand a good chance of breaking the disco punk genre sound and assassinating the mindless thrash and gurn of the current rock set. Standout tracks: Take Me Out, The Dark Of The Matinee, Darts Of Pleasure. [via Domino Records]

JACKING OFF EASY

2004-03-14T18:37:00.000-05:00

Jack White is the new tantrum throwing Naomi Campbell, pleading guilty to assault charges and being sentenced to attend Anger Management classes and pay a $500 fine. Considering the pulplike puss of assaultee, Von Bondies frontman Jason Stollsteimer, Abrasion thinks Jack got off easy. And considering the fetching auburn dyed hair Jack sported into the courtroom, you might say he got off *chortle* Nice 'N Easy. [via VH1]

MIKE BULLARD SHOW AXED!

2004-03-14T18:22:00.000-05:00

With the slide in ratings, CTV has pulled the plug on Canada's favourite unwatched late night show. "Unfortunately, and in spite of a major promotion effort by Global, the program has not demonstrated the degree of success that merits a continued run," Doug Hoover, senior programming vice-president at Global, said in a statement Friday. "I sort of wonder," muses Michael Nolan, a media expert at the University of Western Ontario, "if you compare him to American talk shows, if he has too much edge for a consistent night talk show. I think he's got too much bite sometimes." Now, Abrasion would never go as far as to say Mike Bullard's got bite, but he's sure got boring down pat. [via Canada.com]

INTERNET PIN-UP: ELI VIRGO

2004-03-14T17:20:00.000-05:00

International dilettante and Abrasion contributor, Eli Virgo preens and pimps from the sunny beaches of exotic Thailand. Ladies agree, Eli is one sexy mofo with, in his own words "a Jewfro" that can't be beat. That's quite a grip you've got on that snorkel hose, Mr. Virgo...

NEW ABRASION HEADER?

2004-03-14T17:01:00.001-05:00

Abrasion is in the midst of a redesign. Any thoughts on this new proposed header?

SAVE THE FACE!

2004-03-12T20:32:00.000-05:00

Abrasion shudders to think favourite British style and culture magazine The Face is under threat:

"THE FACE is under threat of closure. Profits have been down, and our
parent company Emap is currently reviewing the future of the
magazine.

THE FACE has always stood for discovering and promoting the best in
creative talent within British and international pop culture. You
can help ensure it can continue to do so.

We would like you to write a letter of support, addressed to the
editor, Neil Stevenson (email it to: save(at)theface.co.uk). We will
pass your letter on to the Emap executives.

A two-line letter is enough, but if you're feeling creative, please
email a small digital photo of yourself holding a copy of the
magazine. If you would rather we didn't republish your letter,
please say so.

We need our letters by the end of Tuesday 16th.

Thank you,
THE FACE team"

Get those emails blazing and SAVE THE FACE!

NEW SPEAK: SARSING

2004-03-12T13:37:00.000-05:00

Exotic web bunny and contributor Crisis Girl hooks the world up with SARSING: (v)Clearing your throat (horking) and spitting in public to intentionally spread diseases of the throat and lungs. Refers to recent outbreaks of SARS and resulting paranoia of getting sick through casual contact in public. e.g., Ew, that guy just sarsed all over the sidewalk. Our Toronto based Abrasionists feel a warming sense of at-least-partial ownership to this vulgar, pestilent act. [ via Pseudodictionary]

AMERICA Y'ALL!

2004-03-11T23:00:00.000-05:00

Net savvy contributor Crisis Girl points us to the intricacies of the American dialect. How do you address a group of two or more people?

REPUBLICANS ARE SO GAY...

2004-03-10T19:54:00.000-05:00

Carson writes "Rick Perry, Texas’ Governor and George W. Bush’s Lieutenant Governor, is in the process of going through a divorce due to his wife catching him having an affair. This particular affair was with a man. Not only a man but also a fellow Republican in the Texas government. Considering the current drive to alter our Constitution and ban gay marriage it seems appropriate that Bush’s right hand man having a gay affair should be news. Especially when Perry personally appointed the man he was having an affair with to his current position. This message may seem like dirty pool but since we are in one of the most destructive Presidencies in recent history it seems appropriate to do anything to stop its reelection. Not to mention you know this would be news if it had been a Democrat. Demand to know why this story is being buried. Force it into America’s consciousness."

LOVE LIFE PREDICTOR...

2004-03-10T19:48:00.000-05:00

Claire Zulkey posts "of all the links I have ever clicked on in my life, this one was the most worthwhile."

BLOG SHOCKER: IT'S JUST A WASTE OF TIME

2004-03-08T21:42:00.000-05:00

The Toronto Star rails against the inane "self indulgent waste of time" called blogs, while singing the praises of The Sneeze.com within the same breath. To the writer of the article we say the only thing worse than a self indulgent waste of time blog is a self indulgent waste of time op-ed. If you have a problem with that then go blog to someone who cares.

BELINDA STRONACH: CANADIAN IDOL

2004-03-07T10:02:00.000-05:00

Conservative leadership candidate and aspiring "Parliment Hill Barbie", Belinda Stronach, hit the karaoke circuit last Thursday to kick off what she is dubbing "Welcome to Frosh Week in politics." After wrapping up her set list which included a defiant rendition of Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots are Made for Walking" (One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over taxpayers like you), Jon Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer" (And daddy's corporate connections) and John Cougar Mellencamp's "Jack and Diane" (Belinda and Bill), Belinda is presumed to have continued her frosh antics rampaging through downtown Toronto with the rest of her sorority sisters, shot gunning beers along the Esplande pub crawl and sleeping with the entire varsity football team.

APU'S REVENGE

2004-03-07T02:50:00.000-05:00

The Singhsons, a spoof of the Simpsons loses nothing in translation. Thank you, come again.

NO NUPS FOR POP ROYALTY QUEENS

2004-03-07T02:32:00.000-05:00

From IMDB, "Flamboyant singer Sir Elton John has hit back at reports he plans to marry his longtime boyfriend David Furnish, although he does support same-sex marriage. It was recently reported the Rocket Man singer wanted to get married again - after divorcing wife Renate Blauel in 1988 - when American President George W. Bush announced a proposed constitutional amendment to outlaw gay weddings. The reports stated that John and his Canadian beau had plans to walk down the aisle together when gay marriage was legalized in his native Britain - but he insists nothing could be further from the truth. He says in a statement, 'David and I are in favor of gay marriage but have no plans to get married.'" Instead, Abrasion collects that the fab couple will instead focus on chasing sworn enemy Boy George into the ladies room or concentrate on being infinitely more annoying than Mick Hucknall. [via IMDB]

AFFLECK: REAL HAIR

2004-03-07T02:26:00.000-05:00

Director Kevin Smith to Ben Affleck: "'Dude, I read on the net last night that you don't have real hair - that you got into a bar brawl with Vince Vaughn and he pulled your wig piece off.' And he was like, 'I haven't seen Vince Vaughn in two years. Let alone in the bar. Let alone do I have fake hair.'' Okay, fine. Can we get the scoop on Vince Vaughn's hair then? [via IMDB]

PARENTS: PEOPLE PREFER PETS

2004-03-06T15:52:00.000-05:00

CNN reports that pets are waaay more fashionable than children. Besides the obvious advantages of sustaining the species, pets just seem to score higher. "The best part about having dogs is they will make you smile at least once a day, and that is priceless." So when comparing the priceless smiles generated by pet rearing, the $10M price tag of your run of the mill, trendier than Pottery Barn store bought Chinese baby girl, or the hassles of finding a fertile, psychotic episode-free mating partner to actually fall in love and sire a child with, the choice is clear. [via CNN]

BRANDING IS THE NEW PIERCING

2004-03-06T15:37:00.000-05:00

Coat hanger and blowtorch? Teen kids go to town on DIY individuality by searing homemade wire designs into flesh. Although the branding trend has been around for a while, typically with a porcelain patterned branding iron, the bent coathanger ghetto variety seems to be waaay hipper amongst tragic teen cool seekers. Upcoming teen trends on the horizon? Self inflicted shotgun wounds, limb exchanging with friends via willful amputation and surgical reattachment, and, our favourite, eyebrow burning. [via TheDenverChannel]

BONNIE FULLER: GIVING OFF ALOT OF CRUMB

2004-03-06T14:24:00.000-05:00

More reasons to hate Bonnie Fuller, Canadian ex-pat, blabloid editorial directrix and apparent crumb progenitor:
"Staffers are also said to be upset that Fuller frequently conducts meetings while eating a sandwich or a bun that gives off lots of crumbs. Fuller doesn't deny that she gobbles down food in front of staffers at meetings, but said it's a two-way street.
"We're very free around here. Sometimes I have a sandwich. The other day I was at a meeting in which two staffers were eating sandwiches. We don't go out for lunch." Can you believe that? Forcing staffers to have to deal with the physical and mental anguish of working lunch crusty sandwich crumbs? What a gaddamn fucking bitch. [via ISurvivedBonnie]

MARTHA STEWART, JAILBIRD: IT'S A GOOD THING

2004-03-06T13:04:00.000-05:00

Found guilty of all four counts in her stock trading case on Friday, domestic doyenne Martha Stewart vows to appeal in dramatic courtroom sequel, The Omnimedia Empire Strikes Back. A rebel force juror calls guilty verdict "a victory for the average guy." Decidely upbeat, Martha proves she is a positive force, resisting the dark temptations of falling into shadow despite her net worth dropping a stupifying $85 million. [via CBC]

NO BETTER PIMP THAN YO' PIMPIN SELF

2004-03-05T18:37:00.000-05:00

Alex the Art Director has leveraged the power of eBay's online auctioning to whore his design skills to prospective agency johns. From his decription:

"Alex the Art Director looks great in board meetings, concepts well with others and really knows how to take Direction. This easy-going creative has interned at such shops as Mad Dogs & Englishmen and Publicis & Hal Riney. Most recently he has freelanced at Plan B and DDB Chicago. Currently, Alex the Art Director has been working on his own freelance clients under the name uglytown and friends.

Ask him about his interests in motorcycles, fine arts and film theory, or just why the Rolling Stones are the greatest rock band ever.

Winning bid will also receive a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts on the last Fridayof every week. Longer term negotiable. Out of town agencies assume the responsibility of travel and expenses."

Abrasion notes this may change the entire eBay business model to livestock and sentient beings. Next entrepreneuring most likely to self-sell on eBay? 14 year old Thai prostitutes. [via AdRants]

CHARLIZE THROUGH PURPLE HAZE: HOWDYA LIKE DEM APPLES?

2004-03-05T18:30:00.000-05:00

Charlize Theron, Academy Award winning actress and tabloid suspected weed fiend, has single handedly revitalized the public's interest in the DIY apple pipe via this incriminating photo. Follow this link to learn the simple 1-2-3's of apple pipe construction. [via NewYorkish]

ASIAN AMERICANS: FATTEN UP!

2004-03-03T07:21:00.000-05:00

Now that most other definable ethnic groups in America are tettering on the brink of morbid obesity, it seems McDonalds has turn its all seeing eye of Sauron to the Asian American market. Combining empowering (re: patronizing) and culturally sympathetic (re: racially stereotyping) language ("Whether we're sipping green tea or enjoying a Big Mac® sandwich, we're helping make the magic mix called America become even richer") with obvious Asians-enjoying-product-shots imagery, we could not resist. After reviewing the McDonald's launched website i-am-asian.com, resident Abrasion fashionisto Jesus Chichuahua conducts some on-the-street market research to get the POV of everyday Americans. Some choice cynicsim:
"those skinny-ass Asians could stand to put on a couple of pounds"
"makes sense. I mean, all those white people they use to target kept suing. I guess asians are less litigious."
"does this mean the average woman's pant size at Club Monaco will go up?"
"Do they really expect Asians to be able to pronounce "I'm Lovin it? Ridicurous."
"since the cheese in the cheeseburgers is 100% milk free, i don't think those lactose intolerant Asians should have any problem with this"
"American brand name!" [link via AccordianGuy]

THAT BELT IS SO GASSY

2004-03-02T21:42:00.000-05:00

New favourite adjective: gassy. Don't think, just use it everywhere.

"Honey, those pants don't make you look fat, they make you look gassy."

"Meanwhile, in the pharmaceutical sector, third quarter earnings were gassy."

"Weapons of Gassy Destruction have not yet been found."

"Eileen! Gassy chicken recipie! The kids loved it."

2004: the year of the raspberry.

OSAMA CAPTURED, WAITING IN THE QUEUE?

2004-03-01T19:45:00.000-05:00

Internet rumours or just silly gossip that Osama Bin Laden has already been captured by US military in Pakistan, held in a secret government facility and pending public announcement during a critical election period? According to an Iranian state radio broadcast: "Osama bin Laden has been arrested a long time ago, but Bush is intending to use it for propaganda maneuvering in the presidential election." Sounds so outlandish it may even be true....!

FRIENDSTER FALLOUT: NASEEB

2004-03-01T19:36:00.000-05:00

Muslim and looking for love? Naseeb is the new online dating web community being billed as the Muslim version of Friendster. Let's hope it get's a fair shake before the Bush regime starts neutralising this the site on suspicions of weapons of mass destruction.

UGG BOOT SHOCKER: RESOLUTELY LOWER CLASS

2004-02-29T17:07:00.000-05:00

The despicable ugg boot, essentially inverted furball footwear, is making the horror rounds Hollywood. "Uggs were resolutely lower-class," said Shelli-Anne Couch, a fashion publicist in Los Angeles who grew up in Australia in the 1970s. "They were worn by Westies, the kind of people who would have fuzzy dice hanging from their rearview mirrors. ... They've only recently became popular in Australia because American movie stars started wearing them." Thus, with ugg boots, sweat bands and trucker hats all graduating to the runways of New York and Milan, Abrasion trendspotters now suggest potential revolting low brow fashion accessories to writhe out of the pit of the decadently proletariat an into star spangled mainstream culture:

Diamond studded Squeegees by Gucci
Neon Fanny Packs by Chanel
Bingo Dobber Body Art by Anna Sui
The Straw Hat by Comme De Garcon
Beer Can Hat by Hermes
Wood Plank Slippers by Versace Signature Line

PERCEPTION PLAY: BLACK PEOPLE LOVE US

2004-02-29T07:23:00.000-05:00

Irony and satire at its acerbic best. This parody website provides a raucous expose in racial stereotyping and highlights how pathetic attempts at racial sensitivity inadvertently sound hollow, dividing and condescending. As acrimonious against white perceptions on black people, the site also serves as a foil to the portray of black people by black people in the media. Rap music and 'black' inner city street culture so pervasive in popular youth culture- is it distorting the view of contemporary black culture where inner city corner block thugs as glamourised on MTV are painting our collective perceptions of the suburban black soccer mom? How does popular misconception affect the individual? Why do minority groups have to always "represent" their entire minority group? Does the percepton wedge that divides truth and perception perpetually widened as we are now hypersensitized to the confirm those prejudices? Does society ask minorties groups to "swing the pendulum" and behave in a way that is totally opposite to their nature in order to kill the sterotype, and thus, loose their distinctness, their unqueness, their cultural identity in process? Read the testimonials of confessed white people "Sally and Johnny" and their myriad of "black friends":

- Johnny always compliments me by saying things like, "Damn bitch you stupid fly," or by telling me you a big fine woman back that thing up. Just things that make a black girl feel good.

- Sally always says things that make me feel special, like: "You're so cool, you're different, you're not like other Black people!"

- Sally and Johnny are always giving me my props on how good it is that I graduated from college and that I do not have any illegitimate children. The fact that I have never been to jail makes me a "credit to my race" in their eyes. They know my race needs all the credit it can get. Thanks for looking out you guys!

- Sally is so great....everytime I ride in the car with her she makes sure the radio is tuned to "my" station.

- I like Johnny and Sally because they NEVER flaunt their wealth in front of me. In fact, they go to great lengths to keep their valuables as well as their wallets and purses as far away from me as possible. How cool is THAT???

- Sally and Johnny always ask me how the entire black community feels about certain topics. I really respect this about them because I am black and therfore obviously know how all blacks feel about everything!

This post is dedicated to earnest. Hang in there, buddy. It's your pendulum. [via Propella]

THE RETURN OF ANDREW GATSBY

2004-02-28T14:13:00.000-05:00

It's true, I'm back. After months locked away on jury duty I am back. Many thanks for the intrepid earnest jones for his station as Abrasion editor during my leave, a huge feat considering his ugly ugly ugly UGLY work schedule. In addition, a huge thanks to the host of contributing editors and guest contributors. We're always looking for fresh talent so if you've got a wry twist and a sly sense of humour, let us know.

YEAH YEAH FREAKIN' YEAHS!

2004-02-27T17:41:00.000-05:00

Assorted Abrasionists have got a date with the night. Toronto's hot bill at the Phoenix: The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Brooklyn's latest buzz band TV on the Radio and local rockers Death From Above. Come hang with earnest jones, Gigi LaFaux, Crisis Girl and crew.

IPOD NOODLERY: ROLE PLAYING GAMES

2004-02-27T14:00:00.000-05:00

As lurid and sexually suggestive as it may sound, the company XO Play has introduced a role playing game for the iPod. It's actually a dungeons and dragon style "choose your own adventure" game played through the Notes function on your iPod. You can download it from the net but it's not freeware.

ANOTHER MODEL CELEBRITY SPAWN...

2004-02-27T02:15:00.000-05:00

Lisa Marie Presley's 14 year old daughter, and thus Elvis's granddaughter, Riley Keough, is the latest fashion celebrity starfucked clothes horse being whored for headlines on Milanese catwalks. Move over Paris Hilton, Ivanka Trump and Lauren Bush, your 15 seconds just got crowded in. [via stereogum]

IPOD MINI SECRETS REVEALED

2004-02-27T01:59:00.000-05:00

Greg Koenig disassembles $249 iPod Mini and concludes: "Don't take apart your new iPod mini." [via Slashdot / iPodlounge]

ROSIE O'DONNELL: MY BIG FAT LESBIAN WEDDING

2004-02-27T01:44:00.000-05:00

Outspoken Rosie O'Donnell weds her long time lesbian lover in San Francisco, ironically defying Bush. Toronto misses opportunity to pay another American celebrity a cool $1 million dollars. [via CNN]

DON'T BRAME ME

2004-02-25T16:50:00.000-05:00

It appears that Sophia Coppola's latest Academy Award-nominated film Lost in Translation isn't tickling everyone's funny bones with its story of multi-level alienation. lost-in-racism.org has sounded the clarion call that the film is in fact a racist slur against the Japanese and should receive no votes come award time.

Frankly, Abrasion has been on pins-and-needles waiting for the much-maligned Orc lobby to disrupt the gala proceedings with lots and lots of green fluids.

BEST BRITISH ALBUM...

2004-02-24T08:18:00.000-05:00

The Brit Awards said and done with the big winner being metal spectacular The Darkness. Abrasion pauses to reflect: The Darkness is to rock what Fischerspooner is to dance what Evanescence to is to crap. Who said overwrought, flamboyant video killed the radio star? See the other winners here.

YES, THAT IS A BUFFALO IN MY LIVING ROOM

2004-02-23T20:25:00.000-05:00

Only in Edmonton would a family allow a four-year old bio-waste factory buffalo saunter to and fro in their house. "He's made a mess on the carpet a couple of times, so now we bring out an ice cream pail whenever he gives us that look," adds owner Jim Sautner on Bailey the buffalo. On entertaining the beast: "He prefers to watch 'The Nature of Things'," said Jim, referring to the Canadian nature television series hosted by world-renowned environmentalist, David Suzuki. On pimping: "We're likely going to find Bailey an agent after all of this settles down," said Jim, who once leased horses to Disney for filming. We'll I suppose that's better than a 400 pound man-eating Bengal tiger in a Harlem apartment. [via Yahoo! / NewYorkish]

SEXY DWARF PORN

2004-02-23T20:15:00.000-05:00

No, it's not anything to do with Lord of the Rings or fantasy gaming. It's real and it's all here. [via Fleshbot]

KARAOKE RINGERS!

2004-02-23T19:35:00.000-05:00

Accordian Guy blogs the Kick-Ass Karaoke encounter with Candian Idol Ryan Malcolm and Rick Gervais of The Office. Why did Abrasion not attend, besides lack of talent? Why? [via Accordion Guy]

SPICE GIRL AND EX HUSBAND RACY PORTRAIT

2004-02-22T18:58:00.000-05:00

From the billing: "This amazing original portrait artwork of Spice Girl Melanie B and Jimmy Gulzar was commissioned by the famous pair and is a one-off that used to hang in their bedroom." All gloriously listed under the title: FOR YOUR VALENTINE. Bidding starts at 1,000 pounds sterling. [via eBay]

GOVERNATOR: ME TERMINATE GAY MARRIAGE

2004-02-21T17:31:00.000-05:00

Former show business action star Arnie Schwarzenegger says no to gay marriage in California, warning notoriously gay friendly San Francisco to "shut off same-sex marriages". Saying this to the city of San Francisco is probably the equivalent of telling the ocean to "stop being wet". City mayor Gavin Newsom, obviously in the political hotseat to appease his liberal, gay positive constituency kicks open the closet of City Hall, issuing gay marriage licenses like a transvestite at a large size women's shoe sample sale. Abrasion, although ever the progressive liberalites supportive of equal rights and freedoms, does see a downside to the San Francisco gay union position: fewer takers on Toronto's All-Inclusive Gay Marriage and Tourism Package. [via CNN]

NEVER TRUST AN ASHTON OVER 30

2004-02-20T17:25:00.000-05:00

Gawker reports Ashton Kutcher is not the 26 year old mimbo he claims to be. According to the National Enquirer, Ashton is in actual fact 30 years old. Abrasion debates the accuracy of these reports, perhaps the various media channels mixing up Ashton's actual age with Ashton's actual I.Q. [via 7Online]

CONAN APOLOGISES FROM THE DOGHOUSE

2004-02-19T08:16:00.000-05:00

Conan, post-Triumph the insult Dog trouncing on Quebec, delivered an apology to Canada the other night in English, but a native French speaker was by his side to offer a subtitled (and very accurate) translation:

Conan: "People of Quebec, I'm sorry."
Translator: "People of Quebec, I'm an albino jackass."
Conan: "We meant no harm with our comedy piece the other night."
Translator: "The other night, I wet the bed like a little girl."
Conan: "I was a stranger in a strange land and I was very insensitive."
Translator: "I have a small penis." [via NewYorkish]

SIMON COWELL: ASSORTED INSULTS

2004-02-17T08:33:00.000-05:00

American Idol judge Simon Cowell slings the shit:
Ruben Stuttard: "He's bigger than he ever was. Ruben's weight is literally out of control."
Justin Guarini: "Justin is, and I mean this as a compliment, a sort of wedding-singer entertainer."
Madonna: "Over."
Enrique Iglesias: "Can't sing a note."
Bob Dylan: "Too ugly, too boring, too whiny and too serious."
Britney Spears: "Can't sing"
Mariah Carey: has a "Great voice" but must "Lose the attitude."
Ryan Malcolm: "Who?' (okay so we made that one up. Sort of.) [via NY Post]

CONRAD BLACK: SOCIAL LEPER

2004-02-16T22:54:00.000-05:00

Lord Black has launched a $850 million defamation suit against members of Hollinger International Inc. claiming malicious media coverage that has left him a "social leper", a "loathsome laughingstock" to be "pilloried and mocked mercilessly in the media throughout the world." On top of that, Lord Black has been "spurned by and shunned by persons who had personally accepted his hospitality in London, New York and Palm Beach," and has him "compared falsely" with white-collar criminals. "I don't understand the point of [Lord Black's lawsuit], except intimidation obviously," one source said. "It is to intimidate, and to rattle." This "firestorm of international media vilification" created an atmosphere where Lord Black "could be and would be mocked and reviled with impunity and without restraint" throughout the world, the suit alleges. We'd make a snarky remark, but quite frankly, were intimidated, rattled and terrified of being sued. [via The Globe and Mail]

TORONTO IS THE NEW GAY MATRIMONY MECCA

2004-02-16T22:42:00.000-05:00

Yes, Valentines day spells L.O.V.E. and homosexuals are no exception. Valentines Day marks a special occasion to tie the noose, er, knot and where better to marry on such a festive, romantic day than in gay ole Toronto? As Toronto remains one of the few progressive cities where gay marriages are legal, six gay and lesbian couple made their way north a legally wed. Lord knows that gay import scheme would help eliminate the tourism drought brought on by SARS. Now all we need to really put the tourism ticker off the map is to repeal those silly marijuana laws. [via FOXNews]

CONAN CANADA CRISIS HIT USA

2004-02-16T22:17:00.000-05:00

The American media machine finally picks up on the Quebec insult dog routine on the Toronto broadcast of Conan O'Brien that has the politicians on Parliment Hill buzzing and disassociating. Since this happened last week, it's quite possible that the "enhanced delay" switched on at the post Janet Jackson Nipplegate Grammys has been left switched on. [via LowCulture, Gothamist, NewYorkish, Yahoo!]

FRIENDSTER FALLOUT: FUNDING FRENZY BAFFLES

2004-02-16T08:29:00.000-05:00

Venture capitalists are fumbling to get hip to the millions of online hipsters joining internet social networks like Friendster. In the troubled upstart climate, Friendster raked in an estimated $13 million in venture capital. Nothing would make us happier here are Abrasion than to see our happy ex-pat and friendster concoctionist, Jonathan Abrams, be a swelling success. However, should the hype result in a nasty fall, as some analysts portend, we at Abrasion will rename ourselves Schadenfreudester. [via
Yahoo!]

"LITTLE SHIT" SON GOES SPREE

2004-02-14T18:57:00.000-05:00

Who's that lovable little jet hopping, spree shopping teen-age rapscallion? [via UK Sun]

BUBBLE GUM BLONDES

2004-02-14T12:02:00.000-05:00

Toronto based artist Jason Kronenwald fashions chewy gummy goodness into lifelike celebrity portraiture. See Britney painted by Bubblicious! Anna Kournikova made with Freedent! Sarah Michelle Geller sculpted from Chiclets! All bubbly blonde, all the time! [via CBCR3]

CONTIKI TOUR TIKRIT ON HOLD

2004-02-14T11:47:00.000-05:00

With a 300 pound slab of concrete, US Militia have sealed the hidey hole where deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was captured. Humourously referring to the soil pit as an "underground bunker", the action was taken, claims a US army spokesperson to prevent it from becoming a tourist attraction. Contiki Tour plans to add the Tikrit "Pit and Sip Watering Hole" after the Corfu "Pink Palace Ozo Smash and Trashed" party circuit look to be stalled indefinitely. [via Yahoo!]

CHRISTIAN SINGER TO SPEARS, AGUILERA: KETTLE, YOU'RE BLACK!

2004-02-14T11:29:00.000-05:00

American Christian singer Stacie Orrico (???), acuses Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears of "promoting "degrading" sexuality that makes them bad role models for young girls". Proving that teen Christian singers are gifted with a keen eye for the obvious, Abrasion points out, that "degrading sexuality" is exactly why people are interested. By the way, who is Stacie Orrico? Is she that irrelevant prude singer that clenched out about Janet Jackson's half time show titty flap? Prude: what a cool marketing angle! [via
Yahoo!]

THE ARABIAN PRINCESS DIARIES

2004-02-13T15:47:00.000-05:00

Well, if there was any speculations, dear CBC >Play host, Jian Ghomeshi, has certainly put them to bed. From his own letter:
i'm prim.
and proper.
and prudish.

and i colour code my bathrooms. they are purple and green, if you must know.
and i like things neat and tidy. and i don¹t like things that are gross. and i use words like "gross."

and i wait for the day when i will be swept off my feet by the PRINCE. he will show me what it sounds like when doves cry.

but, my dear paramours, you must know that i've tried to downplay my princess side in the past. i've tried so hard. for career reasons. i remember the ALL-POWERFUL CBC NEWS EXECUTIVE once told me that my tv host mammal job would be "toast" as soon as "the whole princess side of you gets out." i
recall my EXECUTIVE PRODUCER and FASHIONABLE DIRECTOR screaming "yeah!" and "yes!" at the time. they were pointing. and laughing.

so i've tried, dear paramours, i've tried to keep a lid on things. i've made sure to be seen with copies of MAXIM magazine and THE NATIONAL POST REPORT ON BUSINESS under my arm to prove my knighthood and stealth. i've scolded myself when i've accidentally worn my pink frilly shirt on the air. i know that was wrong. or when i've giggled my schoolgirl (princess) giggle over JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE on the air. that's wrong too. and who cares if justin is cute?! i don't have to talk about it. i should just keep quiet about how much i like justin, like hot cbc newsman MARK KELLEY would.

but now, dear paramours, the jig is up. this week, cbc superstar and newfoundland white-guy-with-an-afro RICK MERCER told a national audience that he considers me a contender for GOVERNOR GENERAL of canada because i have "the eyes of an arabian princess." it's out...

my personal and work life are in shambles. cab drivers say, "thank you princess" and snicker when i get out of the taxi. and THE GUYS WITH THE LED ZEPPELIN SHIRTS WHO BEAT ME UP IN AURORA WHEN I WAS 16 and had failed my driver's licence and had a spikey "gay" orange hairdo and liked THE CURE are probably thinking, "you suck, princess!"

and now, the most important and popular guy in the world, CONAN O'BRIEN, is hitting on me like i was JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT in that movie with the party scene where she's in the hot blue dress. you see, dear paramours, i went to have my semi-exclusive interview with the extremely tall redhead named conan earlier in the week and when conan saw me he gazed into my eyes and said, "you're the princess." it took me aback. he used the same intonation as JULIE CHRISTIE when she said "you're the quarterback" to a comely WARREN BEATTY at the end of "HEAVEN CAN WAIT." i barely caught my breath and responded,
"well, yes i am." i thought things were going well.

and then conan leaned closer and whispered, "i've heard you have the ass of an arabian princess." i was shocked. such crude talk! this is what is wrong with men today, dear paramours. where is the romance? i told him that i may have the backside of an arabian princess (and do i ever!) but that "my eyes are up here, pal." conan called my a silly brown prude and had his publicists tell my producers that he would do a "crap" interview with me that i would regret. and then we did the interview. and then peopled laughed at me. and then i wore my frilly shirt to bed. and that's it.

tough times. what a week."
Now. Abrasion turns to speculation about Rick Mercer...

CONAN O'BRIEN: TICKLING THE QUEBEC FUNNYBONE?

2004-02-13T14:35:00.000-05:00

Re-occuring Conan sketch arsonist, Triumph the Insult Dog, torched French Canadian stereotypes on Thursday nights Toronto edition of the Late Night program. Sensitive federal politicians flare up in defense:

NDP MP Alexa McDonough: the sketch included racial jokes that promote hate and that the feds should demand their money back.
Abrasion' assessment: since when has a NDP'er ever wanted money back? It's always spend, spend, spend!

Mauril Belanger, the deputy government house leader, told the Commons that the government finds nothing amusing about American TV host Conan O'Brien making fun of Quebeckers. And he said Ottawa completely disassociates itself from the material.
Abrasion Assessment: It's called Late Night with Conan O'Brien. And as enticing as it may sound, Late Night with the Canadian House of Parliment is just not the case.

Quebec Conservative, Stephen Harper: "This is the place where our country was founded nearly 400 years ago. We can all make jokes about each other but you don't start telling people in Quebec they have to speak another language. That's completely unacceptable."
Abrasion Assessment: It's an American comedy show, and the person telling the people in Quebec to speak another language is a cigar smoking hand puppet in the shape of a dog. [via National Post]

TRIUMPH THE INSULT DOG TAKES ON QUEBEC

2004-02-12T20:34:00.000-05:00

At the Thursday night taping of Conan O'Brien, Abrasion was fortunate enough to have primo seating. From Adam Sandler making goofy small talk to Stompin' Tom Connors' boss rendition of his Canuck classic "The Hockey Song", the show was a welcome, if not pricey addition to the Toronto entertainment schedule. Most notable, however, was Triumph the Insult Dog's invasion of Quebec City's Winter Carnivale. So offensively funny, it's sure to spawn a firestorm of controversy tomorrow, if not spark the seeds of the next seperatist referendum. Yoikes!

LATEST CRAZE IN L.A. : TRUCKER HATS

2004-02-12T08:27:00.000-05:00

What the fuck is going on? Is this Trucker Hat shit retro already? [via Charleston.Net: Fashion]

THE SIMPSONS MOVIE? EEEEEXCELLENT.

2004-02-12T08:20:00.000-05:00

A movie of Abrasion favoured television program, The Simpsons, is rumoured to be in the works: "Buzz about the long talked about Simpsons movie buzzed anew Tuesday when DVDFanatic.com posted an interview with producer Mike Reiss, another scribe apparently on the 'toon's big-screen development team. "It's a reality after being just sort of this phantom idea," Reiss said. "I think it is really gonna happen." Reis also later joked, "And like Scooby-Doo, The Simpsons movie is "gonna suck pretty hard." [via
Yahoo!

CANADA'S NEXT GOVERNOR GENERAL

2004-02-11T15:18:00.000-05:00

Monday Report with Rick Mercer has become a Abrasion must watch. In the tradition of scathing online polls (including the notorious petition to hold a referedum to have Reform leader Stockwell Day change his name to Doris), Rick and co. are now polling who should be Canada's next Governor General. The candidate list to succeed the honourable Adrienne Clarkson:
- Don Newman, the host of Politics on CBC Newsworld
- Wayne Rostad, host of On the Road Again, because he’s already used to travelling.
- And of course, Jian Ghomeshi, host of Play because he has the eyes of an Arabian princess.
And when asked of his nomination, Jian responds, "and don't forget the pout of an Arabian hooker."
Vote for the typically appointed position here.

UNHOLY MONGREL FASHION ITEM

2004-02-10T00:50:00.000-05:00

The demonic spawn of heinous trend swallowing, trucker hat branding Von Dutch, genetically spliced with miserable foot tampon Ugg booties... call a priest- fashion needs an exorcism. [via taleoftwocities]

ERECTING GIANTS

2004-02-10T00:30:00.000-05:00

Toronto's CN Tower is under threat of losing it's title as worlds tallest free standing tower to a new Giant Solar Chimney to be built in the Australia outback. Upon completion, the EnviroMission Solar Chimney will measure one kilometre (3, 300 feet) tall, which is more than twice the height of the CN Tower. When asked the price, an Australian government official held an extended pinky finger to it's lips and proclaimed, "One Billion Dollars", referring to it as the "Alan Parsons Project". [via Betterhumans]

COURTING THE NIPPLE

2004-02-08T23:35:00.000-05:00

A few days back, the first of what may be a flood of class action lawsuits over the armoured appearance of Janet Jackson's nipple at the Super Bowl last Sunday was filed. Terri Carlin, a 47-year-old Knoxville bank employee, contends that Jackson's exposure and other "sexually explicit conduct" during halftime festivities caused viewers to "suffer outrage, anger, embarrassment and serious injury." Plus America get another crack at suing the bejeezus out of another Jackson. Man, those litigious Americans will sue the shirt right off your front. [via The Smoking Gun]

NEW SPEAK: FRIENDSTAPO

2004-02-08T22:41:00.000-05:00

The authoritative system police of online social network cleansing. In other words, Josh kicking fakesters, the only fun reason to actually be on Friendster, off Friendster. That's okay, though. Now that Abrasion's gone all Orkut (thanks Rannie), that shit's old anyway. [via Wired]

STARS NOT SARS

2004-02-08T22:27:00.000-05:00

Conan O'Brien at the zeitgeist of (another) celebrity slathered Toronto SARS recovery scheme. With guests ranging from Michael J. Fox, Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, "Will & Grace" star Eric McCormack and the bands Nickelback and Barenaked Ladies, there will be plenty of Can Con star wattage to appear over four nights of taping at Toronto's Elgin Theater. Poo poo-ers include a Canadian taxpayer group and the National Post newspaper, miffed over the roughly $1 million dollar of public funding going towards the event. Abrasion is notably miffed at the lack of tickets. O'Brien quipped that he wanted to "tell everybody that they've got a ticket and hope that there's rioting." [from Journal Gazette/Times-Courier]

CELEBRITY DAY JOBS

2004-02-06T20:07:00.000-05:00

The truth behind the sparkling veil of celebrity glamour.... or the miracle of photoshop. Whatevs. [via NewYorkish]

GOD BLESS THE INTERNET...

2004-02-05T21:23:00.000-05:00

And God bless the army of anonymous tipsters... here, here, here, and here.

BEYONCE GETS UGG-LY

2004-02-05T08:34:00.000-05:00

Beyonce Knowles in tragic Ugg boot eye-seering fashion mis-step. Abrasion rules out her crazy stylist mom putting her up to it. Not enough gold lamé. [via Lick]

NO CHANCE FOR NIPPLEGATE 2 AT THE GRAMMYS

2004-02-05T08:31:00.000-05:00

E! Online reports Janet Jackson has been cut from the presenters list at the 2004 Grammy Awards. Originally slated to present Luther Vandross with a Tribute Award, her breast bearing stunt has angered CBS execs enough that "she would either bow out herself or be asked to do so", according to the New York Times. The nation wilts as Janet Jackson's tit (domain name is still for sale!) will not appear on national television for a second time.

BONNIE FULLER PHOBIA

2004-02-05T07:35:00.000-05:00

Ex-pat editrix Boonie Fuller, currently editorial director of the American Media reigns, has her share of just desserts exacted upon her by anger ex-staffers. From Page Six: "An anonymous former staffer tells the March issue of Vanity Fair that a few of Fuller's fed-up editorial assistants befouled a free meal that Bonnie had ordered them to pack up and send home in a company car so she and her husband could enjoy it later. "She was just being so, so horrible to so many people and . . . look, I swear to God, we're really nice people," the ex-staffer tells the magazine. "You just don't know what we went through." One assistant "had a bad cold, so she, um, pulled some stuff out of her nose. That went in the mini-souffle chocolate cakes. And the loaf of bread . . . that went inside my pants." Goober souffle and bread humping aside, there are also reports the the Fuller has softened from her earlier iron fisted days: "I have a friend who says she's not so bad to work for anymore," says an ex-staffer. "I tell my friend, 'You've just got the Stockholm syndrome. You've fallen in love with your captor.'"

NIPPLE SHIELD IS THE NEW TRUCKER HAT

2004-02-04T21:40:00.000-05:00

Stereogum's got the goods, complete with photo, of this startling new trend infecting the nation of starfucking celebrity worship. The mainstreaming nipple shield beacon, Janet, Ms. Nipple if you're nasty, goes on record admitting the stunt was as premeditated as a Barbera Walters sobbing celebrity interview. Ready the nosehair pluckers! Nipple shield mockery is the new post ironic. Abrasion weights the situation: better the nipple shield fad plucked from the malaise of Superbowl scenery than the resurgence of flabby fat fuckers streaking.

SLUT IS THE NEW IRONIC

2004-02-04T21:05:00.000-05:00

MSNBC extolls the trampiness trend, as hawked by the likes of Christina (vamps like a burlesque stripper), Britney (gone from schoolgirl to slut), Pink (prepackaged punk), as a marketing misfire. "The problem is, the public just doesn’t seem to be in the mood for it, and the recent mediocre album sales by Spears, Pink and similar artists may reflect a classic case of mismarketing." Slutting it up, a la snail trailblazing Madonna just doesn't sell albums anymore. Yawn.

FRIENDSTER FALLOUT: DOGSTER

2004-02-04T21:04:00.000-05:00

Why should only humans joylessly sift through endless profiles of people they are unlikely to ever meet? Now, with Dogster, you can pimp your pooch on the net, complete with all the necessary details like photo, gender, location, pet peeves and favourite toy. Abrasion ponders, if you want to leave a testimonial, do you have to lift leg and scent it?

SUPERBOWL BOOB NO ACCIDENT

2004-02-02T13:53:00.000-05:00

Drudge digs the dirt that the Janet Jackson / Justin Timberlake halftime show tearaway top, boob that pops skit was MTV planted and approved, not the accidental mam flinging fiesta as both CBS and the NFL have attested.

ROCK THE VOTE

2004-01-31T14:23:00.000-05:00

The hair-metal screeching that Howard Dean demonstrated for us in his massively recontextualized act of Iowan hari kiri simply proved one thing: any successful Presidential candidate needs to rock harder.

ABRASION: NOW TAKING SUBSCRIPTIONS!

2004-01-28T22:24:00.000-05:00

Thank the lord we've finally got our asses into gear and set up email subscriptions for Abrasion. Thanks to Bloglet and all the subscribers who've waited or had spurious, inconsistent service. We are now... online!

GEHRY DOES THE A.G.O.

2004-01-28T22:15:00.000-05:00

Canadian architecture supernova Frank Gehry give the Art Gallery of Ontario a decidely sleek and modern facelift. "The north side of the gallery will receive a new facade of glass and titanium that will span 180 metres along Dundas Street and rise more than 20 metres from street level. The contemporary look will continue at the south end, with a new four-storey south wing overlooking Grange Park. A spiral staircase will rise from the second floor and link an airy, light-filled Walker Court with a new centre dedicated to contemporary art. The design also includes a new sculpture gallery along the north side of the gallery and a new members' lounge." See the estimated $195 million redesign here.

GREEN GENITALIA AND HAM

2004-01-28T22:04:00.000-05:00

Nothing like a tiny green pecker on a childrens's toy. The Christian right goes apeshit over the teenie weenie in the the Grinch. From Land Over Baptist: 'A quiet family dinner at the Gillman home turned into a nightmare from Hell on Sunday evening when little Matthew Gillman, innocently playing between the legs of his new Grinch toy, peeled back the green hairs to reveal a tiny, but instantly recognizable, green penis. Mr. Gillman, a prominent member of Landover Baptist, told authorities that he had just turned his head slightly to see what Matthew was doing when he saw the little green genitals hanging between the legs of the Grinch doll. "My stomach reacted instantly, and I threw up my entire dinner," he said. "Everyone was covered in vomit."' Abrasion wonders, in what kind of fucked up family does "innocent" and "playing between the legs" go together? Excuse us while we clean the vomit off our keyboard...

NEWSANCHOR GOES NUTS

2004-01-28T21:53:00.000-05:00

Toronto CityTV newsanchor Gord Martineau goes freakish and obnoxious as he tyrades on, well, pretty much everyone. Accordian Guy links us to the story: Martineau calls a Canadian singer a "homo," mocks a walkathon for cancer-stricken children and says his penis has more news value than a pancreas transplant." Frank Magazine, which posted the embarassing outtakes will probably have the videos suspended by now.